Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Communication with Teens

Communication, communication, communication is key to parenting.  Especially with teens, however we need to start much earlier in order to keep these lines of communication open.  School Family, which is one of my favorite websites that offers a wide variety of tips, resources, advice and so much more, recently came up with 20 great questions to break the ice with your kids and get them talking!  Take a few minutes to learn to talk to your kids on a regular basis. 

Source:  School Family

Finding out how things are going in your child’s life sometimes takes a bit of strategizing. These tips and questions can help you get the conversation started.

 

by Patti Ghezzi

One day your child tells you everything, from the consistency of the macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria to the hard words on the spelling test to the funny conversation she had with her best friend.

The next day…poof.

Parent: “So, what’s going on at school?”

Child: “Nothing.”

For many parents, the information they receive about what’s happening at school ebbs and flows, especially once their kids hit 10 or 11 years of age. Even younger children may be reluctant sometimes to share the details of school life.

It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong or that you’re somehow missing a key piece of the parenting puzzle. It may simply be that your child is asserting independence and craving a little privacy. “No one tells parents this,” says Peter Sheras, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Virginia who specializes in adolescent relationships, family relationships, and stress. “Parents feel they are not very good at parenting.”

Of course, that’s not the case. You might just need to tweak your approach. Don’t interrogate, Sheras says. Kids don’t want to be grilled. Be subtle; be patient. Learn to listen intently to the words your child does offer. Watch your child’s body language and demeanor. Avoid yes-or-no questions if possible, and be specific. Try escalating—starting with simple questions and gradually delving into more sensitive topics.

If all else fails, wait it out. Try again later with a different approach, such as choosing a different time of day to start a conversation or taking your child out for a burger before asking questions. In a place where she’s comfortable, she might feel more talkative.

Don’t start the conversation with “We need to have a talk,” Sheras says: “That’s when a child dives under the table.”

Here are some questions that can help you get started.

1. “I know you were stressed out about that math test. How did it go?”
2. “I’m really proud of how well you’re doing in school. What are you studying these days that really interests you?”
3. “You seem to have some good teachers this year. Which one is your favorite?”
4. “If you could make up a teacher from scratch, a perfect teacher, what would he or she be like?”
5. “When I was your age, I really didn’t like social studies. I just didn’t see the point in studying how people in Russia lived or what kind of languages Native Americans spoke. What subject are you really not liking these days?”
6. “What’s your favorite time of day at school?”
7. “What do you think about your grades? How does your report card compare with what you were expecting?”
8. “We used to have the meanest boy in my class when I was your age. I still remember what a bully he was. Do you have anyone like that in your class?”
9. “I’ve been reading a lot in the news about kids picking on other kids. What about at your school? Is that happening?”
10. “I’m hearing a lot about bullying on the Internet. It sounds a little scary, but I really don’t know what it’s all about. Can you tell me about it?”
11. “I noticed a few new kids in your class. Which ones have you been able to get to know? What are they like?”
12. “I know it was hard for you when Kenny transferred to a different school. How’s it going without your best friend around?”
13. “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
14. “I’m sorry you didn’t get invited to Sarah’s birthday party. I know you’re disappointed. How have things changed between you and Sarah now that you’re not in the same class?”
15. “I really like the way you choose such nice friends. What qualities do you look for in a friend?”
16. “I know you really like your new friend Caroline, but whenever I see her she’s being disrespectful to adults. Why don’t you tell me what I’m missing? What do you like about her that I’m not seeing?”
17. “I can tell it embarrasses you when I insist on meeting your friends’ parents before letting you go to their house, but it’s something I need to do as your mom. Is there a way I could do it that would make you feel more comfortable?”
18. “How’s it going with your activities and schoolwork? What would make it easier for you to manage your schedule and responsibilities?”
19. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages. How about we go for a walk and catch up?”
20. “I’m sure I do things that embarrass you. What do I do that embarrasses you the most?”

Talking with your child should be an ongoing process. Keep the dialogue open, and be available so your child can find you when she feels like chatting.

One final piece of advice from Sheras: “Keep talking even when you think your kids aren’t listening,” he says. “Your children are listening whether they act like it or not.”

Follow School Family on Twitter @SchoolFamily

Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens and Drug Use

Personally, I don’t think parents of kids today can hear enough about the dangers of drug abuse.  It has never been more deadly, and that is not saying it was not deadly years ago, however the access seems to be easier and the peer pressure is growing.  When I hear parents tell me their teen is “only smoking pot” it bewilders me that many don’t understand that is the gateway to many other substances for many kids.  I won’t say all, but many will start with pot and graduate to meth, crack, and so many others on the streets now.  One of the most dangerous, in my opinion, is heroin.  Take a few minutes to read a recent article by Connect with Kids about this drug and some parenting tips.

Source: Connect with Kids

HEROIN

“Yeah, you can snort heroin. Definitely snort heroin. That’s what I do.”

– Christina, 18 years old

In Illinois, Oregon, New York, Alabama and several other states, police are reporting an increase in the number of deaths of young people from an overdose of heroin. In fact, today government surveys show that over 25 percent of high school seniors say heroin is “fairly easy to buy.”

“Smack”, “H”, “Junk” … they’re all street names for heroin. And anecdotal evidence suggests the use of this drug may be on the rise for two reasons, experts say.

First, many kids already using prescription drugs are looking for a new and cheaper high.

“Kids are looking for something different. And this is something different. Every addict- anybody who’s ever been addicted to drugs is always looking for that perfect high, the thing that will get them feeling the way that they want to feel, but they still want to convince themselves that they’re in control. And so addicts are constantly looking for new drugs, new combinations, new ways to take drugs and this is just an extension of that,” explains substance abuse counselor, Dr. Robert Margolis.

Second, heroin today is purer and more refined, which means it can be snorted instead of injected.

“Yeah, you can snort heroin, definitely snort heroin. That’s what I do,” says 18-year-old Christina.

That makes heroin more appealing to kids afraid of sticking a needle in their arm.

“It’s a way for kids to rationalize doing a drug that is highly addictive and highly dangerous. Of course, it’s in no way safe, it’s in no way ok, but it’s a way that in their minds they convince that it’s safe,” says Margolis.

That’s exactly what Christina thought. “I won’t do it because I know shooting things up is stronger and it makes it more addictive.”

But, Margolis warns, it won’t be long until they’re looking for a stronger high. “Give them time. After a few years of snorting, they’ll be shooting up. There’s no doubt about it.”

Heroin is an illegal, highly addictive drug. It is both the most abused and the most rapidly acting of the opiates. Heroin is processed from morphine, a naturally occurring substance extracted from the seed pod of certain varieties of poppy plants. It is typically sold as a white or brownish powder or as the black sticky substance known on the streets as “black tar heroin.”

According to the National Institutes on Drug Abuse, although purer heroin is becoming more common, most street heroin is “cut” with other drugs or with substances such as sugar, starch, powdered milk, or quinine. Street heroin can also be cut with strychnine, fentanyl or other poisons. Because heroin abusers do not know the actual strength of the drug or its true contents, they are at risk of overdose or death. Heroin also poses special problems because of the transmission of HIV and other diseases that can occur from sharing needles or other injection equipment.

Tips for Parents

Heroin enters the brain, where it is converted to morphine and binds to receptors known as opioid receptors. These receptors are located in many areas of the brain (and in the body), especially those involved in the perception of pain and in reward. Opioid receptors are also located in the brain stem—important for automatic processes critical for life, such as breathing (respiration), blood pressure, and arousal. Heroin overdoses frequently involve a suppression of respiration.

After an intravenous injection of heroin, users report feeling a surge of euphoria (”rush”) accompanied by dry mouth, a warm flushing of the skin, heaviness of the extremities, and clouded mental functioning. Following this initial euphoria, the user goes “on the nod,” an alternately wakeful and drowsy state. Users who do not inject the drug may not experience the initial rush, but other effects are the same.

With regular heroin use, tolerance develops, in which the user’s physiological (and psychological) response to the drug decreases, and more heroin is needed to achieve the same intensity of effect. Heroin users are at high risk for addiction—it is estimated that about 23 percent of individuals who use heroin become dependent on it.

References

• National Institutes on Drug Abuse

Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Seven Deadly Parenting Styles

As Part 3 continues in my series about Dr. Michele Borba’s Big Book of Parenting Solutions, we explore detrimental parenting styles.

“Take a minute to review each style and be brutally honest. Might any of these be what you’re using as a parenting approach? If so, here is a crucial point to know: before you change your child, you must first change how you respond to your child. Might your parenting approach need altering first?” - Michele Borba.

Here are the 7-deadly parenting styles with a brief header. You will have to order this book to find out the answers! That is what a sneak peek is. For every parent out there, this is a must have in your parenting library. If only they gave you this book out when your child was born, it could have saved us a lot of bumps and potholes. 

Deadly Style 1: Helicopter Parenting - Hoover over your kids, hurrying to smooth everyone of life’s bumps…. (continued on page xxii in the introduction)

Deadly Style 2: Incubator “Hothouse” Parenting - Pushing your kids into learning earlier than appropriate for their cognitive age and developmental level… (continued on page xxiii in the introduction)

Deadly Style 3: (Quick-Fix) Band-Aid Parenting- Relying on fast solutions to temporarily fix a problem instead of aiming for real, lasting change…. (continued on page xxiv)

Deadly Style 4: Buddying Parenting – Placing popularity with your child above establishing limits and boundaries or saying no…. (continued on page xxiv)

Deadly Style 5: Accessory Parenting – Measuring your worth and success as a parent on the basis of your child’s accolades… (continued on page xxv)

Deadly Style 6: Paranoid Parenting – Obsessively keeping your child safe from any physical or psychological harm… (continued on page xxvi)

Deadly Style 7: Secondary Parenting – Relinquishing your influence such that your children’s world is controlled more by outsiders, including corporations, marketers, and the media…. (continued on page xxvi)

Next sneak peek: S-E-X, yes that dreaded parent/child conversation is here (page 394) – don’t miss this!

For those that don’t have time to read, this is the perfect book for you since it is not the type of book you  sit down to read. As parenting questions come up, you can go straight to the index and find the page number. Immediately you will see the pages divided by boxes, quick tips and advice and easy to read and understand resources. Did I mention she also gives you proven research and statistics?

Previous sneak peeks: (1) Gratitude Recipes: Big Book of Parenting Solutions, (2) Parenting 101: Ungrateful teens and children (3) Seven Deadly Parenting Styles, (4) Sex Talk with your Children

Order The BIG BOOK of Parenting Solutions today! Whether it is for yourself or as a gift, you won’t be disappointed.

Click here for more articles on parenting. Don’t forget to subscribe to my latest articles, and you won’t miss the sneak peeks inside this valuable book as well as other great tips, resources and stories.

Reminder: Holiday Safety Tips.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Ungrateful Teens

As part of my continuing series of Dr. Michele Borba’s insights and sneak peeks inside her Big Book of Parenting Solutions, we will review signs and symptoms of an ungrateful child.  This is Part (2).

•Bad manners: needs constant reminders to say thank you or show his appreciation
•Envy: wants what others have, envies others’ possessions
•Lack of appreciation: takes for granted your daily kind and thoughtful gestures
•Huge sense of entitlement: feels he deserves to have luxuries or privileges
•Dissatisfaction: always seems to want “more,” better,” or “new”
•Materialism: values only material things, brand names, or the “latest”
•Self-centeredness: is unwilling to reciprocate with gifts or kind acts to others
•Ungraciousness: acts disappointed with presents, blurts out “I didn’t want this”
•Thoughtlessness: doesn’t consider other person’s feelings or the thought or effort that went into her gesture

THE SOLUTION:

Step 1. Early Prevention

•Model gratitude. Kids learn by seeing others display appreciation in everyday, unplanned moments. How often do your kids see you convey your appreciation with hugs, words, or small notes to others? (Much more on page 226 in Big Book of Parenting Solutions).
•Set limits. Having too much “stuff” squelches appreciation. (Read more on page 226 in Big Book of Parenting Solutions).

Michele Borba offers three more beneficial steps with much detail in her Big Book of Parenting Solutions. These are some sneak peeks and hopefully you will see the value in owning a book of this magnitude in your parenting library.

Next sneak peek: The Seven Deadly Parenting Styles - don’t miss this!

For those that don’t have time to read, this is the perfect book for you since it is not the type of book you  sit down to read. As parenting questions come up, you can go straight to the index and find the page number. Immediately you will see the pages divided by boxes, quick tips and advice and easy to read and understand resources.  Did I mention she also gives you proven research and statistics?

Previous sneak peek: Part (1) Gratitude Recipes: Big Book of Parenting Solutions,   Part (3) Seven Deadly Parently Styles

Click here for more articles on parenting. Don’t forget to subscribe to my latest articles, and you won’t miss the sneak peeks inside this valuable book as well as other great tips, resources and stories.

Reminder:  Holiday Safety Tips.

Parents Universal Resource Experts: Sue Scheff – Parenting Teens can be Challenging

Parenting teens today has become one of the most challenging jobs with a new generation of technology, peer pressure, substance abuse, and much more.

As a Parent Advocate, I continuously help parents with today’s teen issues.  Many call my organization, Parents’ Universal Resource Experts, at their wits end. 

Here are some article that I encourage parents of teens and tweens to take the time to read.  An educated parent is a prepared parent.  A prepared parent can lead to a safer teenager.

School Violence: The dangers of bullying

Teens Shoplifting and Stealing

Teen Dating Abuse

Teen Inhalant Abuse

Teen Suicide

Parenting teen girls

Teen Vandalism

Teen Truancy

Teen Pregnancy

Teen Depression

Teen Runaways

Teen Drug Prevention

Click here to learn more about the author.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens and Movie Etiquette

Do you know what your teen does at the movies?  Movie Etiquette – talk to your teens.

As a frequent movie goer, I must say if parents could see how their teens are acting in public, they would be more than humiliated. I am not saying my teens were perfect, I am almost afraid to ask them at this point (they are young adults now). I will take it a step further and say I don’t remember my generation having this much lack of respect for others, especially those in authority.

Then I was thinking, I am sure their parents don’t know and maybe if they did, they would speak with their kids about this behavior. With this, I am going to share with you some less than appropriate behaviour I have witnessed, and hoping that parents reading this will sit down and talk with their teens about what happens when they go to the theatre.

At $10.00 and up now for an average movie ticket price, I am confident that most of us would like to enjoy the movie – and the parents paying for their teens to attend, I am even more confident they wouldn’t appreciate or approve their teens acting like this:

Teens travel in groups, which is not a bad thing until: They bounce from seat to seat, constantly are laughing and talking (while the movie is in session), and let’s not forget the constant texting. The glowing phones can be annoying.  When the cell phone rings, they actually answer it and continue a conversation! As a side note, laughing during a comedy is normal – laughing and chatting with your friends out loud when the movie is running and others are trying to listen, is downright rude.

Note to parents: Talk to your teens about this.

I am in South Florida; we are air-conditioned very well down here. Do parents know how their teens leave the house? I will share my experiences with my teen daughter. She walked out respectfully, however I soon discovered she had her alternative (less than appropriate) clothes to change into in her back pack. Parents, check that back pack!

Girls will come in with the skimpiest tops and short shorts! Their only way to keep warm is the hair on their shoulders that is constantly being fussed with – during the movie!

Note to parents: Talk to your teens about this.

Should we get into the teens that only come to the movies to “make-out.” You may think I am being a prude, and didn’t we all do this once? Many did, but usually they were at drive-ins (which are rare here or maybe even extinct in many places) when we didn’t have dozens of eyes on us. Parents, please talk to your teens about this. If they need to display this sign of affection, maybe you can allow them in your family room, since honestly –  most of the public does not enjoy watching it. I would think the ones that do, you should be even more worried about.

Note to parents: Talk to your teens about this.

I am sure there may be some parents that think I am being ridiculous, however I believe there are more of us that would appreciate old fashioned common courtesy in the theatre. Today’s generation of kids seem to have lost that respect for authority, however it doesn’t mean that our teens have to follow that trend. Be a parent, be an example, show them you care.

Note to parents: Talk to your teens – period.

Note to movie goers: You don’t have to tolerate this behavior, find the manager, they will swiftly intervene and many cases these kids are removed from the theater if they don’t stop. From experience, many will stop, however you also have missed part of your movie.

Note to readers: I am not saying all teens are like this, but to be on the safe side, talk to your teen.

Sue Scheff: Holiday Gift Ideas for Teens

It is not a secret buying for teens at the holidays can not only be expensive, it can be difficult. They seem to want items we barely understand (technology). With this comes high ticket gadgets which are difficult for many families struggling in today’s economy.

Most can’t go wrong with gift cards to their favorite stores, movie gift cards, mall gift certificates and don’t forget good old fashion cold cash is the best to satisfy most teens. However when I speak with parents of teens today, their financial resources is strained more than usual.

Buying gift certificates are always good, however we have to remember many of the items our teens want are more than an average gift card. What does this mean? Usually you will end up spending more to make up for the difference, or in some fortunate cases your teen will purchase within their means.

Let’s consider gifts that may not cost much monetarily, however will be priceless to your teenager. One of the gifts parents could give their teenager is their TIME. Sounds simple doesn’t it? With today’s fast paced world, usually both parents working full time, or a single parent environment, one gift that will always keep on giving is “time with your kids.” Many are thinking that our teens would prefer to hang with their friends, however deep down I believe all children want to be part of their family. Breaking down the barriers can be difficult, but what a perfect time of year for us to try.

No matter how old they are, every child on some level craves for the attention of their parent(s). Positive attention: Not nagging or complaining about a messy room, failing grades or how they are dressing.

Giving gifts that involve time being spent together, having fun and creating your Kodak moments, can be priceless.  Many parents of teenagers have lost the lines of communication.

Although movie tickets have become high in price, if you consider what the cost of buying merchandise and gift cards for stores, the cost of movie tickets for a family can seem minimal. Find a fun family movie, or a suspenseful one (make it a family decision), go out as a family and afterwards your conversation starts with a discussion about the movie. It is starting with common ground, all equal. 

Family dinners are becoming a thing of the past. What about everyone helping with dinner and then moving to the family room for a movie or a board game? What happen to the days of Monopoly and Life? Yes, all about the family and spending time together. We need to move away from commercial holidays and think about what holidays are about – family.

This is one of my favorite gift ideas:  Giving your teen their personal history! From birth to today!
Parents have you thought about getting those old baby pictures out and creating a scrapbook for your teen? Before you snub your nose that your teen wouldn’t appreciate it, think twice. Start from birth to their first day of kindergarten to their dance recitals, first soccer games and so much more! What about their first birthday parties? And remember those elementary school pictures?  I am sure we all have some priceless artwork by our kids we can include.  Give your teen a piece of their history only you can give! This is what you call priceless!

You don’t have to be creative to do this. I am far from creative but a quick trip to the dollar store or Walmart and you can start a project your teens will keep forever. You will be surprised, they may even show their friends! You are sharing your pride with them, and they will feel great.  This will take time so start now for the holidays.

Thinking back, I wish I had a scrapbook made by my parents. Start today creating your memories and who knows; maybe you and your teenager will discover more things to talk about!

Get those photos out and start planning your priceless gift to your teenager! By the way, this gift has no age limits. I would bet grandparents would love receiving this gift too. The costs involved? Very little, considering the gift that lasts forever.

Remember, Walgreens, CVS, Walmart, Target and others can make photo prints (copies) for less than .25 cents.

Learn more about Scrapbooking: Scrapbooks.com, Simple Scrapbooking, Organized Scrapbooks, MommyPerks, About.com

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens Hiding Drugs from Parents

Wake up parents and read this critical article if you suspect your teen is using drugs.

 One of the most important parts of this article is the opening your lines of communication with your child. Are you noticing a change in behavior? Withdrawn? Depressed? Changing peer groups? Becoming secretive? Be an educated parent – you will have a safer teen.

 Source: Connect with Kids

 Hiding Drugs from Parents

 “The car is a big one. A lot of kids will hide it in the car now because they think the parents aren’t going to go through the car.”

– Heather Hayes, Licensed Drug Counselor

Inside a highlighter or tube of lipstick, stuffed into the back of a clock radio or hidden between a mattress and box springs- teens have a million clever ways to hide both their drugs and their drug use.

Chris, 24, would use a toilet paper tube lined with a dryer sheet to hide the smell of marijuana from his parents. He says, “All you have to do is blow out the smoke through there, and it scents the smoke so it doesn’t smell like marijuana.”

He says he would stash his drugs anywhere but in the house, where mom or dad might find them. Chris says, “Maybe in the garage, or under the hood of my car. We’d get pulled over and we wouldn’t even be scared because you never see a cop open a hood on the side of the road.”

Licensed drug counselor, Heather Hayes, says, “The car is a big one. A lot of kids will hide it in the car now because they think the parents aren’t going to go through the car.”

But Chris says the best way to hide drug use was just to avoid his parents. He says, “Cause I’d be high, and you know, I didn’t want to give it away. So I would just come in, be like ‘I’m home’, you know, ‘I’ll be upstairs in my room.’”

Experts say by the time parents catch kids using drugs, there’s a good chance they’re already addicted.

Hayes says, “In the early beginning stages teens are extremely good, I mean they are brilliant at being able to hide things. They will change clothes so that their clothes don’t smell. They will use Visine. As their addiction progresses, one of the things that they give up is the fact that they care, they care whether or not they get caught.”

Chris has been in rehab for more than a year. Among his regrets: the time he didn’t spend with his parents. Chris says, “My mom walks freely in and out of my room now. And it’s like I just had so much to hide before, so I wouldn’t let them in.”

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) describes adolescence as a “time for trying new things.” Teens use alcohol and drugs for many reasons, including curiosity, because it feels good, to reduce stress, to feel grown up or to fit in. Teens at risk of developing serious drug and alcohol problems include those …

■With a family history of substance abuse.
■Who are depressed.
■Who have low self-esteem.
■Who feel like they don’t fit in or are out of the mainstream.
In addition, warning signs of teen drug abuse may include …

■Fatigue, repeated health complaints, red and glazed eyes, and a lasting cough.
■Personality change, sudden mood changes, irritability, irresponsible behavior, low self-esteem, poor judgment, depression and a general lack of interest.
■Starting arguments, breaking rules or withdrawing from the family.
■Decreased interest, negative attitudes, a drop in grades, many absences, truancy and discipline problems.
■New friends who are less interested in standard home and school activities, problems with the law, and changes to less conventional styles in dress and music.
Peer pressure is one of the most difficult inducements faced by teens to use illegal substances. Experts at the Hazelden Foundation have created the following model that a teen might follow in dealing with pressure to use drugs or alcohol:

■Ask questions – Size up the situation before “going along.” For example, a classmate might say, “Hey, lets go hang out at the mall” – and have shoplifting in mind. To be responsible, ask, “What are we going to do? How long will we be there?” These questions will help you make informed decisions before getting into a problem situation.
■Name the trouble – After you identify the situation, you need to state the possible problem: “That sounds like trouble to me.”
■State the consequences – Use the threat of punishment as an excuse not to drink. Say something such as, “My parents would ground me for months,” or “I could get kicked off the soccer team.”
■Offer an alternative – If a friend invites you to drink or use drugs, suggest an alternative. “Lets go get pizza.” If the friend pressures you more, walk away, but leave the door open. You could say, “Hey, that’s fine. Go do your thing. You’re welcome to join me later.”
■Get out of trouble – Should you find yourself in a problem situation, get out immediately and call a responsible adult for help.
 

Tips for Parents

Drugs are a threat to almost every child, and one of the best ways to help ensure your child will make the right decisions when faced with choices regarding substance abuse is to confront the issue with your child as early as possible. Experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics list the following as ways to address the subject of substance abuse with your child:

■Talk with your child honestly. Don’t wait to have “the drug talk” with your child. Make discussions about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs part of your daily conversation. Know the facts about how drugs can harm your child. Clear up any wrong information, such as “everybody drinks” or “marijuana won’t hurt you.”
■Really listen to your child. Encourage your child to share questions and concerns about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Do not do all the talking or give long lectures.
■Help your child develop self-confidence. Look for all the good things in your child – and then tell your child how proud you are. If you need to correct your child, criticize the action, not your child. Praise your child’s efforts as well as successes.
■Help your child develop strong values. Talk about your family values. Teach your child how to make decisions based on these standards of right and wrong. Explain that these are the standards for your family, no matter what other families might decide.
■Be a good example. Look at your own habits and thoughts about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Your actions speak louder than words.
■Help your child deal with peer pressure and acceptance. Discuss the importance of being an individual and the meaning of real friendships. Help your child understand that he/she does not have to do something wrong just to feel accepted. Remind your child that a real friend won’t care if he/she does not use tobacco, alcohol or other drugs.
■Make family rules that help your child say “no.” Talk with your child about your expectation that he/she will say “no” to drugs. Spell out what will happen if he/she breaks these rules. Be prepared to follow through, if necessary.
■Encourage healthy, creative activities. Look for ways to get your child involved in athletics, hobbies, school clubs and other activities that reduce boredom and excess free time. Encourage positive friendships and interests. Look for activities that you and your child can do together.
■Team up with other parents. Work with other parents to build a drug-free environment for children. When parents join together against drug use, they are much more effective than when they act alone. One way is to form a parent group with the parents of your child’s friends. The best way to stop a child from using drugs is to stop friends from using them.
■Know what to do if your child has a drug problem. Realize that no child is immune to drugs. Learn the signs of drug use. Take seriously any concerns you hear from friends, teachers and/or other kids about your child’s possible drug use. Trust your instincts. If you truly feel that something is wrong with your child, it probably is. If there’s a problem, seek professional help.
According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA), parents are the key to keeping kids drug-free. CASA research shows that the extent to which parents take a “hands-on” approach in raising their kids, the more they establish appropriate rules and standards of behavior, and the more they monitor their teens, the lower the teen’s risk of substance abuse. “Hands-on,” according to CASA, includes parents who consistently take 10 or more of the following 12 actions:

■Monitor what their teens watch on television
■Monitor what they do on the Internet
■Put restrictions on the music (CDs) they buy
■Know where their teens are after school and on weekends
■Expect to be and are told the truth by their teens about where they are going
■Are “very aware” of their teen’s academic performance
■Impose a curfew
■Make clear they would be “extremely upset” if their teen used pot
■Eat dinner with their teens six or seven times a week
■Turn off the television during dinner
■Assign their teens regular chores
■Have an adult present when the teens return from school

References
■American Academy of Pediatrics
■The Hazelden Foundation
■The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse

Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens Shoplifting and Stealing

It doesn’t matter what your economic status is, it seems some teens from all financial backgrounds will try their “hand” at shoplifting. Why? Peer pressure? Is it cool? Part of the crowd?

What constitutes shoplifting? It doesn’t have to be only stealing, shoplifting can include changing price tags (which is harder to do now with the bar scans in some stores), consuming food or drink without paying for it, leaving a restaurant without paying, wearing items out of a store (again, hoping there isn’t an alarm tag on them) – this and more will land you in legal trouble if you are caught.

Teens seem to believe it could never happen to them – however more and more I am hearing from parents that have had to deal with this.

Why Children Steal and Your Role in Preventing Retail Theft

Very young children sometimes take things they want without understanding why it’s wrong. Elementary school-aged children know better, but may lack enough self-control to stop themselves. Most preteens and teens shoplift as a result of social and personal pressure in their lives. Here are just a few of the reasons why:

• Feel peer pressure to shoplift
• Low self-esteem
• A cry for help or attention
• The naïve assumption they won’t get caught
• The belief that teen stealing is “not a big deal”
• Inability to handle temptation when faced with things they want
• The thrill involved
• Defiance or rebelliousness
• Not knowing how to work through feelings of anger, frustration, etc.
• Misconception that stores can afford the losses
• The desire to have the things that will get them “in” with a certain group of kids.
• To support a drug habit.
• To prove themselves to members of a gang

Be an educated parent, you will have a safer teen.

For more information visit my website on Teen Mischief.  If you have a teen that is at risk, please visit Parents’ Universal Resource Experts. Also visit Teens Health on Shoplifting.

Also on Examiner.com

Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Keeping Kids Safe in Cyberspace

During National Cyber Safety Awareness Month we need to take the time to find out more where our kids are surfing online as well as what services are available to help parents keep their children safe.

Mary Kay Hoal is the founder of Yoursphere which has been featured on many media outlets including CNN, Fox and Friends, ABC News and more. If you haven’t seen or heard about Yoursphere, I am confident you will soon.
 

Take a moment to learn more Mary Kay Hoal and what she has created to help keep your kids safe online today.  She generously took time to answer questions and offers valuable and informative tips, advice and resources.

Why did you create Yoursphere?

The Internet and social media sites offer many benefits to our children. It’s an essential part of their culture. I created Yoursphere because I found out first hand, after immersing myself in a myriad of social media sites, (Myspace, Facebook, Hi5, Friendster, Sconex, Bebo, My Yearbook, Tagged, Teen Spot, etc.) that none of the social networking sites put the safety and well being of our kids first. That’s because these sites were created by adults, for adults. I found an extremely coarse culture with interaction, that if there wasn’t a computer and keyboard involved, the activity would be illegal, immoral, unethical or unacceptable.

Time to stack the positive benefits of social networking in kids and teens lives against the negatives.

Part I. The Truth Revealed: Internet and Social Networking Facts.
Part II. The Truth Revealed: Internet and Social Networking Facts.

How does Yoursphere work?

We simply apply common sense, and model the Yoursphere community like the real world for kids and teens. That means, unlike any other social networking site:

•We require parental consent
•We verify the identity of the parent providing consent
•We verify the parent providing consent is not a registered sex offender*
•We limit participation to kids and teens through age 18**
•We use technology and human oversight to proactively protect the kids from inappropriate content, or from digitally tattooing themselves***
•We leverage the expertise of our Chief Security Advisor who worked for the Department of Justice tracking online anonymous sexual predators as well our law enforcement team with expertise in internet crime
•Friending is modeled after the real world. Kids under 13 can friend those in the same age range, teens can friend teens. (A 12 year old girl typically would not be having a private conversation with a 17 or 18 year old unless a sibling so we don’t allow online. Siblings of course can be friends.)
•Parents of children 12 and under can access any content their child has posted. Text, video pictures through their “parent dashboard” where they can manage their family account. (i.e. add another child, suspend membership, review content.)
•Like the real world, kids connect based on shared interests: sports, music, fashion, academics, performing arts, travel, animals & pets, art and photography, etc.
•We engage kids and teens in positive and purposeful activities.

Yoursphere was developed with the help of kids and teens across the U.S., so once inside the community, it is centered around their interests.

-We allow kids to create their own “spheres” or web communities based on their unique interests.
-We have member only scholarships to support their aspirations
-We have weekly and monthly contests.
-We have a credit/rewards program, where all members are rewarded for their positive interaction within the community and then they can redeem their credits for real-world rewards (movie tickets, ipod, gift card, music, shopping spree)
-We feature a quarterly “young writers contest” and have a team of kid and teen paid contributing writers.

•We support on the positive in kids through the Yoursphere culture while encouraging good online citizenship
•We educate kids about online safety with daily site internet safety reminders
•We provide parents information about internet safety issues and provide them tools for discussing them with their kids through my blog.
•Parents are kept in the loop about what’s going on in the community through our monthly parent newsletter. Because no child “snuck on” to become a Yoursphere member, I felt it was important that parents had something to talk about the site with their kids helping to make it a shared experience in some ways.

*(There were nearly 100K registered sex offenders on Myspace and reportedly nearly 40K on Facebook. The U.S. is the only country that does not protect the identity of its sex offenders.

The rest of the world does, so the “true number” of registered sex offenders trolling these sites is actually unknown. As a result, Yoursphere.com is exclusively for kids and teens from the United States.

Yoursphere.co.uk is for kids and teens in the UK and Ireland so that we can maintain the highest level of security.)

**(As in the real world, kids typically socially interact/hangout with kids their own age, and not adult strangers. Three of my five children will be 18 their senior year in high school, hence the age. Once on their way to college, we’ve done our best as parents to raise them, instill our values, and have given them adequate time to mature so they are prepared what “what awaits them.”)

***(Example: Technology is used to scan photo images. If a “can” for example comes up, that can is flagged. We determine that it’s soda vs. an alcoholic beverage. Or hand signals, we use human oversight to read the signal to determine if appropriate, or not.)

Why do you feel it is important for parents to consider Yoursphere?

Parents want the best for their children. They care about their children’s health, well-being and safety.

Parents are typically involved in every aspect of their children’s lives ranging from: where the family lives, to the school their child attends, the church or youth group they attend; to knowing their child’s friends and even parents; to the after school activities their kids participate in. Parents do their best to make sure all of these aspects of their child’s life are positive, safe, supportive, educational and reflect the values of their family.

Unfortunately, parents haven’t been able to make a positive choice for their kids/with their kids online. They’ve been left with no alternative. Frankly parents today for the most part are like me three years ago.

They just don’t know what’s going on in social media communities. And social media/social networking is really in its infancy. Checking the browser history, knowing your kids passwords, and installing protective software on the computer is all good. It just isn’t enough.

Parents need to protect their children from both from the people that intend their children harm and the culture that awaits them on these social networking communities. All of these sites were created by adults, for adults.

Until Yoursphere.com, there has been no solution. We can parallel what we’ve learned in other industries when it comes to children’s safety and the changes that have been made to correct the problem. Key to solving every problem includes education and an offered solution.

Education+Solution = Resolution to Problem*

-Automobiles: we learned people die in accidents; we educate and require seatbelts to be worn; require children in booster or car seats.
-Household fires: safety education; buy smoke alarms and replace the batteries.
-Bicycles: Educate on dangers, require kids to wear helmets.
-No weapons in schools: Educate re. dangers. Zero tolerance policy, alarm detectors.
-Swimming: teach your kids to swim.
-Teen Drivers: Pay for driver’s education; rules/restrictions have been set up for teens until they have enough experience to drive on their own.
-Movie rating system: Education about content. Requirement for rating . PG, PG 13, R, R17
-Music: Education of content. Parental Advisory
-Video Games: Education of content. Rating System
-TV content. Education about content. Limiting viewership.

*I recognize no solution is every 100% guaranteed. That’s specifically why we refer to Yousphere with the words safety-first. I would be remiss to say “safe”.

What makes Yoursphere unique?

Yoursphere was created on the inside (features, functionality, etc.) with the direct involvement of kids and teens across the U.S. and abroad. (I wanted this site to be one kids loved.) We have a teen advisory board. http://yoursphere.com/what-we-re-about
The site content is created by kids and teens, for kids and teens. (We even have a team of paid contributing young writers. http://yoursphere.com/what-we-re-about ) Membership is limited to kids and teens through age 18.

There is not another site that deploys all the same proactive safeguards that Yoursphere does. Yoursphere has arguably set the industry standards for kids and teens safety online as evidenced by the fact that we’re the sole-youth only site approved by The Privacy Vaults Online Safe Harbor of the Federal Trade Commission.

Are their fees involved?

Every membership to Yoursphere.com is free for the first 30 days. Because Yoursphere.com chose not to monetize itself by attempting to rely on advertising revenue (often age inappropriate), nor by deploying applications that exploit the privacy of minors, yes, we charge a nominal fee of $39.95 per year (.10 per day), or $4.95 a month (cancel at anytime) in order to afford the safeguards we have in place.

In addition, the fee allows us to further extend our support to those that also positively impact the lives of youth through our fundraising program for schools, youth groups and non profits. (We provide 40% or $16 of each membership back to those organizations.)

What motivates you?

•My children.
•My family.
•Parents like me. They love their children more than anything in the world; are concerned about the internet, but they haven’t known what to do and feel overwhelmed by technology.
•My faith. I believe in good and bad. Right and wrong. And while I may not have intended to be here, launching a business, educating others about the issues, providing a solution, I am here now. I have the professional background and skill set to do what I’m doing. I found it my obligation to change the status quo. These are our children! There’s nothing more important in the world then each and every one of them.

For more info: Visit Yoursphere.com and Follow Mary Kay Hoal on Twitter.