Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens and Movie Etiquette
Do you know what your teen does at the movies? Movie Etiquette – talk to your teens.
As a frequent movie goer, I must say if parents could see how their teens are acting in public, they would be more than humiliated. I am not saying my teens were perfect, I am almost afraid to ask them at this point (they are young adults now). I will take it a step further and say I don’t remember my generation having this much lack of respect for others, especially those in authority.
Then I was thinking, I am sure their parents don’t know and maybe if they did, they would speak with their kids about this behavior. With this, I am going to share with you some less than appropriate behaviour I have witnessed, and hoping that parents reading this will sit down and talk with their teens about what happens when they go to the theatre.
At $10.00 and up now for an average movie ticket price, I am confident that most of us would like to enjoy the movie – and the parents paying for their teens to attend, I am even more confident they wouldn’t appreciate or approve their teens acting like this:
Teens travel in groups, which is not a bad thing until: They bounce from seat to seat, constantly are laughing and talking (while the movie is in session), and let’s not forget the constant texting. The glowing phones can be annoying. When the cell phone rings, they actually answer it and continue a conversation! As a side note, laughing during a comedy is normal – laughing and chatting with your friends out loud when the movie is running and others are trying to listen, is downright rude.
Note to parents: Talk to your teens about this.
I am in South Florida; we are air-conditioned very well down here. Do parents know how their teens leave the house? I will share my experiences with my teen daughter. She walked out respectfully, however I soon discovered she had her alternative (less than appropriate) clothes to change into in her back pack. Parents, check that back pack!
Girls will come in with the skimpiest tops and short shorts! Their only way to keep warm is the hair on their shoulders that is constantly being fussed with – during the movie!
Note to parents: Talk to your teens about this.
Should we get into the teens that only come to the movies to “make-out.” You may think I am being a prude, and didn’t we all do this once? Many did, but usually they were at drive-ins (which are rare here or maybe even extinct in many places) when we didn’t have dozens of eyes on us. Parents, please talk to your teens about this. If they need to display this sign of affection, maybe you can allow them in your family room, since honestly – most of the public does not enjoy watching it. I would think the ones that do, you should be even more worried about.
Note to parents: Talk to your teens about this.
I am sure there may be some parents that think I am being ridiculous, however I believe there are more of us that would appreciate old fashioned common courtesy in the theatre. Today’s generation of kids seem to have lost that respect for authority, however it doesn’t mean that our teens have to follow that trend. Be a parent, be an example, show them you care.
Note to parents: Talk to your teens – period.
Note to movie goers: You don’t have to tolerate this behavior, find the manager, they will swiftly intervene and many cases these kids are removed from the theater if they don’t stop. From experience, many will stop, however you also have missed part of your movie.
Note to readers: I am not saying all teens are like this, but to be on the safe side, talk to your teen.
Add comment November 9, 2009
Sue Scheff: Holiday Gift Ideas for Teens
It is not a secret buying for teens at the holidays can not only be expensive, it can be difficult. They seem to want items we barely understand (technology). With this comes high ticket gadgets which are difficult for many families struggling in today’s economy.
Most can’t go wrong with gift cards to their favorite stores, movie gift cards, mall gift certificates and don’t forget good old fashion cold cash is the best to satisfy most teens. However when I speak with parents of teens today, their financial resources is strained more than usual.
Buying gift certificates are always good, however we have to remember many of the items our teens want are more than an average gift card. What does this mean? Usually you will end up spending more to make up for the difference, or in some fortunate cases your teen will purchase within their means.
Let’s consider gifts that may not cost much monetarily, however will be priceless to your teenager. One of the gifts parents could give their teenager is their TIME. Sounds simple doesn’t it? With today’s fast paced world, usually both parents working full time, or a single parent environment, one gift that will always keep on giving is “time with your kids.” Many are thinking that our teens would prefer to hang with their friends, however deep down I believe all children want to be part of their family. Breaking down the barriers can be difficult, but what a perfect time of year for us to try.
No matter how old they are, every child on some level craves for the attention of their parent(s). Positive attention: Not nagging or complaining about a messy room, failing grades or how they are dressing.
Giving gifts that involve time being spent together, having fun and creating your Kodak moments, can be priceless. Many parents of teenagers have lost the lines of communication.
Although movie tickets have become high in price, if you consider what the cost of buying merchandise and gift cards for stores, the cost of movie tickets for a family can seem minimal. Find a fun family movie, or a suspenseful one (make it a family decision), go out as a family and afterwards your conversation starts with a discussion about the movie. It is starting with common ground, all equal.
Family dinners are becoming a thing of the past. What about everyone helping with dinner and then moving to the family room for a movie or a board game? What happen to the days of Monopoly and Life? Yes, all about the family and spending time together. We need to move away from commercial holidays and think about what holidays are about – family.
This is one of my favorite gift ideas: Giving your teen their personal history! From birth to today!
Parents have you thought about getting those old baby pictures out and creating a scrapbook for your teen? Before you snub your nose that your teen wouldn’t appreciate it, think twice. Start from birth to their first day of kindergarten to their dance recitals, first soccer games and so much more! What about their first birthday parties? And remember those elementary school pictures? I am sure we all have some priceless artwork by our kids we can include. Give your teen a piece of their history only you can give! This is what you call priceless!
You don’t have to be creative to do this. I am far from creative but a quick trip to the dollar store or Walmart and you can start a project your teens will keep forever. You will be surprised, they may even show their friends! You are sharing your pride with them, and they will feel great. This will take time so start now for the holidays.
Thinking back, I wish I had a scrapbook made by my parents. Start today creating your memories and who knows; maybe you and your teenager will discover more things to talk about!
Get those photos out and start planning your priceless gift to your teenager! By the way, this gift has no age limits. I would bet grandparents would love receiving this gift too. The costs involved? Very little, considering the gift that lasts forever.
Remember, Walgreens, CVS, Walmart, Target and others can make photo prints (copies) for less than .25 cents.
Learn more about Scrapbooking: Scrapbooks.com, Simple Scrapbooking, Organized Scrapbooks, MommyPerks, About.com
Also on Examiner.com
Add comment November 4, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens Hiding Drugs from Parents
One of the most important parts of this article is the opening your lines of communication with your child. Are you noticing a change in behavior? Withdrawn? Depressed? Changing peer groups? Becoming secretive? Be an educated parent – you will have a safer teen.
Source: Connect with Kids
Hiding Drugs from Parents
“The car is a big one. A lot of kids will hide it in the car now because they think the parents aren’t going to go through the car.”
– Heather Hayes, Licensed Drug Counselor
Inside a highlighter or tube of lipstick, stuffed into the back of a clock radio or hidden between a mattress and box springs- teens have a million clever ways to hide both their drugs and their drug use.
Chris, 24, would use a toilet paper tube lined with a dryer sheet to hide the smell of marijuana from his parents. He says, “All you have to do is blow out the smoke through there, and it scents the smoke so it doesn’t smell like marijuana.”
He says he would stash his drugs anywhere but in the house, where mom or dad might find them. Chris says, “Maybe in the garage, or under the hood of my car. We’d get pulled over and we wouldn’t even be scared because you never see a cop open a hood on the side of the road.”
Licensed drug counselor, Heather Hayes, says, “The car is a big one. A lot of kids will hide it in the car now because they think the parents aren’t going to go through the car.”
But Chris says the best way to hide drug use was just to avoid his parents. He says, “Cause I’d be high, and you know, I didn’t want to give it away. So I would just come in, be like ‘I’m home’, you know, ‘I’ll be upstairs in my room.’”
Experts say by the time parents catch kids using drugs, there’s a good chance they’re already addicted.
Hayes says, “In the early beginning stages teens are extremely good, I mean they are brilliant at being able to hide things. They will change clothes so that their clothes don’t smell. They will use Visine. As their addiction progresses, one of the things that they give up is the fact that they care, they care whether or not they get caught.”
Chris has been in rehab for more than a year. Among his regrets: the time he didn’t spend with his parents. Chris says, “My mom walks freely in and out of my room now. And it’s like I just had so much to hide before, so I wouldn’t let them in.”
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) describes adolescence as a “time for trying new things.” Teens use alcohol and drugs for many reasons, including curiosity, because it feels good, to reduce stress, to feel grown up or to fit in. Teens at risk of developing serious drug and alcohol problems include those …
■With a family history of substance abuse.
■Who are depressed.
■Who have low self-esteem.
■Who feel like they don’t fit in or are out of the mainstream.
In addition, warning signs of teen drug abuse may include …
■Fatigue, repeated health complaints, red and glazed eyes, and a lasting cough.
■Personality change, sudden mood changes, irritability, irresponsible behavior, low self-esteem, poor judgment, depression and a general lack of interest.
■Starting arguments, breaking rules or withdrawing from the family.
■Decreased interest, negative attitudes, a drop in grades, many absences, truancy and discipline problems.
■New friends who are less interested in standard home and school activities, problems with the law, and changes to less conventional styles in dress and music.
Peer pressure is one of the most difficult inducements faced by teens to use illegal substances. Experts at the Hazelden Foundation have created the following model that a teen might follow in dealing with pressure to use drugs or alcohol:
■Ask questions – Size up the situation before “going along.” For example, a classmate might say, “Hey, lets go hang out at the mall” – and have shoplifting in mind. To be responsible, ask, “What are we going to do? How long will we be there?” These questions will help you make informed decisions before getting into a problem situation.
■Name the trouble – After you identify the situation, you need to state the possible problem: “That sounds like trouble to me.”
■State the consequences – Use the threat of punishment as an excuse not to drink. Say something such as, “My parents would ground me for months,” or “I could get kicked off the soccer team.”
■Offer an alternative – If a friend invites you to drink or use drugs, suggest an alternative. “Lets go get pizza.” If the friend pressures you more, walk away, but leave the door open. You could say, “Hey, that’s fine. Go do your thing. You’re welcome to join me later.”
■Get out of trouble – Should you find yourself in a problem situation, get out immediately and call a responsible adult for help.
Tips for Parents
Drugs are a threat to almost every child, and one of the best ways to help ensure your child will make the right decisions when faced with choices regarding substance abuse is to confront the issue with your child as early as possible. Experts at the American Academy of Pediatrics list the following as ways to address the subject of substance abuse with your child:
■Talk with your child honestly. Don’t wait to have “the drug talk” with your child. Make discussions about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs part of your daily conversation. Know the facts about how drugs can harm your child. Clear up any wrong information, such as “everybody drinks” or “marijuana won’t hurt you.”
■Really listen to your child. Encourage your child to share questions and concerns about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Do not do all the talking or give long lectures.
■Help your child develop self-confidence. Look for all the good things in your child – and then tell your child how proud you are. If you need to correct your child, criticize the action, not your child. Praise your child’s efforts as well as successes.
■Help your child develop strong values. Talk about your family values. Teach your child how to make decisions based on these standards of right and wrong. Explain that these are the standards for your family, no matter what other families might decide.
■Be a good example. Look at your own habits and thoughts about tobacco, alcohol and other drugs. Your actions speak louder than words.
■Help your child deal with peer pressure and acceptance. Discuss the importance of being an individual and the meaning of real friendships. Help your child understand that he/she does not have to do something wrong just to feel accepted. Remind your child that a real friend won’t care if he/she does not use tobacco, alcohol or other drugs.
■Make family rules that help your child say “no.” Talk with your child about your expectation that he/she will say “no” to drugs. Spell out what will happen if he/she breaks these rules. Be prepared to follow through, if necessary.
■Encourage healthy, creative activities. Look for ways to get your child involved in athletics, hobbies, school clubs and other activities that reduce boredom and excess free time. Encourage positive friendships and interests. Look for activities that you and your child can do together.
■Team up with other parents. Work with other parents to build a drug-free environment for children. When parents join together against drug use, they are much more effective than when they act alone. One way is to form a parent group with the parents of your child’s friends. The best way to stop a child from using drugs is to stop friends from using them.
■Know what to do if your child has a drug problem. Realize that no child is immune to drugs. Learn the signs of drug use. Take seriously any concerns you hear from friends, teachers and/or other kids about your child’s possible drug use. Trust your instincts. If you truly feel that something is wrong with your child, it probably is. If there’s a problem, seek professional help.
According to the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA), parents are the key to keeping kids drug-free. CASA research shows that the extent to which parents take a “hands-on” approach in raising their kids, the more they establish appropriate rules and standards of behavior, and the more they monitor their teens, the lower the teen’s risk of substance abuse. “Hands-on,” according to CASA, includes parents who consistently take 10 or more of the following 12 actions:
■Monitor what their teens watch on television
■Monitor what they do on the Internet
■Put restrictions on the music (CDs) they buy
■Know where their teens are after school and on weekends
■Expect to be and are told the truth by their teens about where they are going
■Are “very aware” of their teen’s academic performance
■Impose a curfew
■Make clear they would be “extremely upset” if their teen used pot
■Eat dinner with their teens six or seven times a week
■Turn off the television during dinner
■Assign their teens regular chores
■Have an adult present when the teens return from school
■American Academy of Pediatrics
■The Hazelden Foundation
■The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse
Add comment October 30, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens Shoplifting and Stealing
It doesn’t matter what your economic status is, it seems some teens from all financial backgrounds will try their “hand” at shoplifting. Why? Peer pressure? Is it cool? Part of the crowd?
What constitutes shoplifting? It doesn’t have to be only stealing, shoplifting can include changing price tags (which is harder to do now with the bar scans in some stores), consuming food or drink without paying for it, leaving a restaurant without paying, wearing items out of a store (again, hoping there isn’t an alarm tag on them) – this and more will land you in legal trouble if you are caught.
Teens seem to believe it could never happen to them – however more and more I am hearing from parents that have had to deal with this.
Why Children Steal and Your Role in Preventing Retail Theft
Very young children sometimes take things they want without understanding why it’s wrong. Elementary school-aged children know better, but may lack enough self-control to stop themselves. Most preteens and teens shoplift as a result of social and personal pressure in their lives. Here are just a few of the reasons why:
• Feel peer pressure to shoplift
• Low self-esteem
• A cry for help or attention
• The naïve assumption they won’t get caught
• The belief that teen stealing is “not a big deal”
• Inability to handle temptation when faced with things they want
• The thrill involved
• Defiance or rebelliousness
• Not knowing how to work through feelings of anger, frustration, etc.
• Misconception that stores can afford the losses
• The desire to have the things that will get them “in” with a certain group of kids.
• To support a drug habit.
• To prove themselves to members of a gang
Be an educated parent, you will have a safer teen.
For more information visit my website on Teen Mischief. If you have a teen that is at risk, please visit Parents’ Universal Resource Experts. Also visit Teens Health on Shoplifting.
Also on Examiner.com
Add comment October 26, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Keeping Kids Safe in Cyberspace
During National Cyber Safety Awareness Month we need to take the time to find out more where our kids are surfing online as well as what services are available to help parents keep their children safe.
Mary Kay Hoal is the founder of Yoursphere which has been featured on many media outlets including CNN, Fox and Friends, ABC News and more. If you haven’t seen or heard about Yoursphere, I am confident you will soon.
Take a moment to learn more Mary Kay Hoal and what she has created to help keep your kids safe online today. She generously took time to answer questions and offers valuable and informative tips, advice and resources.
Why did you create Yoursphere?
The Internet and social media sites offer many benefits to our children. It’s an essential part of their culture. I created Yoursphere because I found out first hand, after immersing myself in a myriad of social media sites, (Myspace, Facebook, Hi5, Friendster, Sconex, Bebo, My Yearbook, Tagged, Teen Spot, etc.) that none of the social networking sites put the safety and well being of our kids first. That’s because these sites were created by adults, for adults. I found an extremely coarse culture with interaction, that if there wasn’t a computer and keyboard involved, the activity would be illegal, immoral, unethical or unacceptable.
Time to stack the positive benefits of social networking in kids and teens lives against the negatives.
Part I. The Truth Revealed: Internet and Social Networking Facts.
Part II. The Truth Revealed: Internet and Social Networking Facts.
How does Yoursphere work?
We simply apply common sense, and model the Yoursphere community like the real world for kids and teens. That means, unlike any other social networking site:
•We require parental consent
•We verify the identity of the parent providing consent
•We verify the parent providing consent is not a registered sex offender*
•We limit participation to kids and teens through age 18**
•We use technology and human oversight to proactively protect the kids from inappropriate content, or from digitally tattooing themselves***
•We leverage the expertise of our Chief Security Advisor who worked for the Department of Justice tracking online anonymous sexual predators as well our law enforcement team with expertise in internet crime
•Friending is modeled after the real world. Kids under 13 can friend those in the same age range, teens can friend teens. (A 12 year old girl typically would not be having a private conversation with a 17 or 18 year old unless a sibling so we don’t allow online. Siblings of course can be friends.)
•Parents of children 12 and under can access any content their child has posted. Text, video pictures through their “parent dashboard” where they can manage their family account. (i.e. add another child, suspend membership, review content.)
•Like the real world, kids connect based on shared interests: sports, music, fashion, academics, performing arts, travel, animals & pets, art and photography, etc.
•We engage kids and teens in positive and purposeful activities.
Yoursphere was developed with the help of kids and teens across the U.S., so once inside the community, it is centered around their interests.
-We allow kids to create their own “spheres” or web communities based on their unique interests.
-We have member only scholarships to support their aspirations
-We have weekly and monthly contests.
-We have a credit/rewards program, where all members are rewarded for their positive interaction within the community and then they can redeem their credits for real-world rewards (movie tickets, ipod, gift card, music, shopping spree)
-We feature a quarterly “young writers contest” and have a team of kid and teen paid contributing writers.
•We support on the positive in kids through the Yoursphere culture while encouraging good online citizenship
•We educate kids about online safety with daily site internet safety reminders
•We provide parents information about internet safety issues and provide them tools for discussing them with their kids through my blog.
•Parents are kept in the loop about what’s going on in the community through our monthly parent newsletter. Because no child “snuck on” to become a Yoursphere member, I felt it was important that parents had something to talk about the site with their kids helping to make it a shared experience in some ways.
*(There were nearly 100K registered sex offenders on Myspace and reportedly nearly 40K on Facebook. The U.S. is the only country that does not protect the identity of its sex offenders.
The rest of the world does, so the “true number” of registered sex offenders trolling these sites is actually unknown. As a result, Yoursphere.com is exclusively for kids and teens from the United States.
Yoursphere.co.uk is for kids and teens in the UK and Ireland so that we can maintain the highest level of security.)
**(As in the real world, kids typically socially interact/hangout with kids their own age, and not adult strangers. Three of my five children will be 18 their senior year in high school, hence the age. Once on their way to college, we’ve done our best as parents to raise them, instill our values, and have given them adequate time to mature so they are prepared what “what awaits them.”)
***(Example: Technology is used to scan photo images. If a “can” for example comes up, that can is flagged. We determine that it’s soda vs. an alcoholic beverage. Or hand signals, we use human oversight to read the signal to determine if appropriate, or not.)
Why do you feel it is important for parents to consider Yoursphere?
Parents want the best for their children. They care about their children’s health, well-being and safety.
Parents are typically involved in every aspect of their children’s lives ranging from: where the family lives, to the school their child attends, the church or youth group they attend; to knowing their child’s friends and even parents; to the after school activities their kids participate in. Parents do their best to make sure all of these aspects of their child’s life are positive, safe, supportive, educational and reflect the values of their family.
Unfortunately, parents haven’t been able to make a positive choice for their kids/with their kids online. They’ve been left with no alternative. Frankly parents today for the most part are like me three years ago.
They just don’t know what’s going on in social media communities. And social media/social networking is really in its infancy. Checking the browser history, knowing your kids passwords, and installing protective software on the computer is all good. It just isn’t enough.
Parents need to protect their children from both from the people that intend their children harm and the culture that awaits them on these social networking communities. All of these sites were created by adults, for adults.
Until Yoursphere.com, there has been no solution. We can parallel what we’ve learned in other industries when it comes to children’s safety and the changes that have been made to correct the problem. Key to solving every problem includes education and an offered solution.
Education+Solution = Resolution to Problem*
-Automobiles: we learned people die in accidents; we educate and require seatbelts to be worn; require children in booster or car seats.
-Household fires: safety education; buy smoke alarms and replace the batteries.
-Bicycles: Educate on dangers, require kids to wear helmets.
-No weapons in schools: Educate re. dangers. Zero tolerance policy, alarm detectors.
-Swimming: teach your kids to swim.
-Teen Drivers: Pay for driver’s education; rules/restrictions have been set up for teens until they have enough experience to drive on their own.
-Movie rating system: Education about content. Requirement for rating . PG, PG 13, R, R17
-Music: Education of content. Parental Advisory
-Video Games: Education of content. Rating System
-TV content. Education about content. Limiting viewership.
*I recognize no solution is every 100% guaranteed. That’s specifically why we refer to Yousphere with the words safety-first. I would be remiss to say “safe”.
What makes Yoursphere unique?
Yoursphere was created on the inside (features, functionality, etc.) with the direct involvement of kids and teens across the U.S. and abroad. (I wanted this site to be one kids loved.) We have a teen advisory board. http://yoursphere.com/what-we-re-about
The site content is created by kids and teens, for kids and teens. (We even have a team of paid contributing young writers. http://yoursphere.com/what-we-re-about ) Membership is limited to kids and teens through age 18.
There is not another site that deploys all the same proactive safeguards that Yoursphere does. Yoursphere has arguably set the industry standards for kids and teens safety online as evidenced by the fact that we’re the sole-youth only site approved by The Privacy Vaults Online Safe Harbor of the Federal Trade Commission.
Are their fees involved?
Every membership to Yoursphere.com is free for the first 30 days. Because Yoursphere.com chose not to monetize itself by attempting to rely on advertising revenue (often age inappropriate), nor by deploying applications that exploit the privacy of minors, yes, we charge a nominal fee of $39.95 per year (.10 per day), or $4.95 a month (cancel at anytime) in order to afford the safeguards we have in place.
In addition, the fee allows us to further extend our support to those that also positively impact the lives of youth through our fundraising program for schools, youth groups and non profits. (We provide 40% or $16 of each membership back to those organizations.)
What motivates you?
•My children.
•My family.
•Parents like me. They love their children more than anything in the world; are concerned about the internet, but they haven’t known what to do and feel overwhelmed by technology.
•My faith. I believe in good and bad. Right and wrong. And while I may not have intended to be here, launching a business, educating others about the issues, providing a solution, I am here now. I have the professional background and skill set to do what I’m doing. I found it my obligation to change the status quo. These are our children! There’s nothing more important in the world then each and every one of them.
For more info: Visit Yoursphere.com and Follow Mary Kay Hoal on Twitter.
Add comment October 22, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff – Parenting Teen Girls
Girls can be mean. That has been proven over and over again. Whether it is jealousy, or a sense that one girl is better than another – mean girls bring bullying to another level. Growing up we always heard about “sticks and stone can break your bones, but words can never hurt you.” That is simply not true. Words can hurt emotionally and cause many negative feelings including low self esteem, depression, headaches and other illnesses.
Learn more about the effects of bullying, mean girls and how to help your daughter if she is being harassed by other girls (and boys).
Source: Education.com
What to do About the Mean Girl
If you have a daughter, take the time to read this. It could save her a lot of heartache. Not to mention stomach aches, headaches, missed days of school, lower grades, eating issues and depression.
The sad truth is that every school, whether public, private or parochial, has mean girls. I bet you can still even remember who they are from your school. As a school counselor and mother of three daughters, I know firsthand – both personally and professionally – how much it hurts when girls are targeted by bullies.
The old adage “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” couldn’t be further from the truth. While boys usually bully through intimidation, girls bully through exclusion, also called relational aggression. Here’s an example of a case of relational bullying, taken from my experience as a school counselor:
“Heather” was miserable because a girl in her class, “Leslie,” was not only saying mean things to her face, but getting the other girls in the class to exclude her with the age old line “You can’t be friends with me, if you’re friends with her.” In our sessions, Heather would complain that she didn’t have anyone to play with because girls were afraid that if they hung around her they’d become Leslie’s next target. Leslie had immense influence over the social dynamic among these girls.
In order to improve the situation, I had to not only reduce the power Leslie had, but empower Heather as well. Here are some ideas that helped, adapted for use by parents:
- Ask for specifics when your daughter hints at bullying. Who? Where? How?
- Tell the principal and classroom teacher the specifics of how she is being bullied. Have them tell other teachers (i.e., gym, art, music), recess aides, hallway monitors and cafeteria staff so that everyone who comes in contact with her can be on the lookout and poised to intervene.
- Explain to her that reporting an incident is not the same as tattling, and have her tell an adult at school when she is being bullied.
- Encourage her to stick with a friend at recess, lunch, in the hallways, on the bus or walking home because she is more likely to be targeted when she is alone.
- Teach her to convey self-confidence by walking confidently, with her head up. Bullies target those they think are weaker.
- Pay attention to how she is sleeping, eating, feeling and doing in school. If you notice changes in any of these areas, have her see the school counselor.
- Arrange opportunities for your daughter to socialize with her friends outside of school to help her maintain a strong social support system.
In Heather’s case, these steps alleviated the problem. But because it’s tougher to catch girl bullies, it’s extremely important for girls to tell an adult if they are being bullied. Unlike boys, who usually bully physically, mean girls often spread rumors, whisper as their target walks by, talk loudly about a party she wasn’t invited to, give her the silent treatment, and as discussed above, tell others not to be friends with her. School personnel are there to help, but in order to do anything they must know a problem exists!
To read more about relational aggression, I recommend the following books:
- Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons
- Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends and Other Realities of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman
Shannon Hutton has a Master’s of Education, and currently works as a school counselor for kindergarten through eighth grade. She counsels students on a host of issues, including anger management, peer relationships, divorce, and test anxiety. She is the mother of three children.
Add comment October 18, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts -Sue Scheff: Mothers Against Internet Predators
October is National Cyber Safety Awareness Month. It is a time for parents to become educated on where their kids and teens surf online. Who are they chatting with? Who are they sending photo’s to? Where are they posting information?
Add comment October 14, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens fearful to go to school
During this STOMPOUTBULYING Awareness week, we need to recognize that some kids and teens are afraid to attend school. Bullying can be harsh and cause emotional harm to your kids. As a parent, we need to take steps to learn more about bullying and how it affects our children. Is your child the bully? Be proactive and get involved. Don’t allow kids to hurt others with malicious words. Stick and stones will hurt you, and so will words.Source: Connect with Kids
Scared to go to School
“We know that there’s a sense that kids have, that frequently when somebody does engage in bullying nothing happens. That’s sometimes because it’s viewed as, ‘this is just what kids do’ or it’s just not recognized as bullying or something out of the ordinary that should not be accepted.”
– Joel Meyers, Ph.D, psychologist
A new national poll on children’s health finds that only a quarter of American parents would give their child’s school an “A” in preventing bullying and school violence. In fact, every day in America thousands of kids miss school because they’re afraid of being bullied or harassed.
Andre Johnson remembers some of the verbal harassment he dealt with at school. “You faggot, you got a little sugar in your tank, sissy,” were just some of the names he was called.
“There would be times when I just wouldn’t go to class,” he says.
Every day, thousands of kids like Andre are afraid to go to school for similar reasons.
Experts say one of the biggest problems is that some adults and children still view bullying as normal teenage behavior.
“We know that there’s a sense that kids have, that frequently when somebody does engage in bullying nothing happens,” explains psychologist Joel Meyers. “That’s sometimes because it’s viewed as, ‘this is just what kids do’ or it’s just not recognized as bullying or something out of the ordinary that should not be accepted.”
He says schools need to have clear and accurate policies on bullying, confidential ways to report harassment, a safe haven within the school. “But more importantly,” says Meyers, “I think you need to have mechanisms in place where teachers learn what bullying is, so they know how to identify it, so they know how to respond, so they don’t think, ‘oh, that’s just kids, that’s just what kids do’.”
And, experts say, parents shouldn’t underestimate their power within the school.
“Parents have got to realize that it’s just not the schools that can do this,” explains Vermont state representative Peter Hunt. “The schools receive these kids. The schools really have to have the parents’ support.”
Some educators say parents, teachers, and children should all fight for a kind of “zero tolerance” for bullying.
“If zero tolerance means that whenever a child engages in bullying behavior that there are natural and meaningful consequences to those negative behaviors, if that’s what’s meant by zero tolerance, then that makes sense,” explains Meyers.
With support from his mother and friends, Andre was able to overcome the harassment and, best of all, accept himself. “It was like around my junior year when I started not to care anymore,” he says, “and I was like, ‘okay, I don’t care anymore – who knows, who don’t knows, whatever. You like it, you don’t like it, so what. It’s me, not you.”
Tips for Parents
Who is likely to be a victim of bullying? The National Resource Center for Safe Schools says that passive loners are the most frequent victims, especially if they cry easily or lack social self-defense skills. Many victims are unable to deflect a conflict with humor and don’t think quickly on their feet. They are usually anxious, insecure and cautious and suffer from low self-esteem. In addition, they rarely defend themselves or retaliate and tend to lack friends, making them easy to isolate.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied, you can help him or her in the following ways cited by the Committee for Children:
■Encourage your child to report bullying incidents to you. Validate your child’s feelings by letting him or her know that it is normal to feel hurt, sad, scared, angry, etc. Help your child be specific in describing bullying incidents – who, what, where and when.
■Ask your child how he or she has tried to stop the bullying. Coach him or her in possible coping methods – avoidance of the bully and making new friends for support.
■Treat the school as your ally. Share your child’s concerns and specific information around bullying incidents with appropriate school personnel. Work with school staff to protect your child from possible retaliation. Establish a plan with the school and your child for dealing with future bullying incidents. Volunteer time to help supervise on field trips, on the playground or in the lunchroom. And become an advocate for school-wide bullying prevention programs and policies.
■Encourage your child to continue to talk with you about all bullying incidents. Never ignore your child’s report. Remember that you should not advise your child to physically fight back. Bullying lasts longer and becomes more severe when children fight back, and physical injuries often result. Also, you should not confront the bullying child or his or her parents.
Unlike victims, bullies appear to suffer little anxiety and possess strong self-esteem, according to the National Resource Center for Safe Schools. They often come from homes where physical punishment is used and where children are taught to strike back physically as a way of handling problems. Bullies thus believe that it is all right for stronger children to hit weaker children. They frequently lack parental warmth and involvement and seem to desire power and control.
If you suspect that your child is bullying others, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) suggests you seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor or family physician. If the bullying continues, the AACAP advises you to arrange a comprehensive evaluation of your child by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or other mental health professional should be arranged.
The Coalition for Children says that you can also help your child by discussing with him or her these key points about bullying:
■Remind your child that bullying is not acceptable in your family or in society.
■Provide your child with alternatives to taking frustration or aggression out on others. You can even role-play different ways to behave in situations where your child would normally bully another.
■Specify concretely the consequences if the aggression or bullying continue.
While bullying, harassment and teasing are unfortunate aspects of childhood, you can help minimize these occurrences by raising non-violent children. The American Academy of Pediatrics cites the following tips for curbing hurtful behavior in your child:
■Give your child consistent love and attention. Every child needs a strong, loving, relationship with a parent or other adult to feel safe and secure and to develop a sense of trust. Without a steady bond to a caring adult, a child is at risk for becoming hostile, difficult and hard to manage.
■Make sure your child is supervised. A child depends on his or her parents and family members for encouragement, protection and support as he or she learns to think for himself or herself. Without proper supervision, your child will not receive the guidance he or she needs. Studies report that unsupervised children often have behavior problems.
■Show your child appropriate behaviors by the way you act. Children often learn by example. The behavior, values and attitudes of parents and siblings have a strong influence on them. Most children sometimes act aggressively and may hit another person. Be firm with your child about the possible dangers of violent behavior. Also remember to praise your child when he or she solves problems constructively without violence.
■Don’t hit your child. Hitting or slapping your child as punishment shows him or her that it’s OK to hit others to solve problems and can train him or her to punish others in the same way he or she were punished.
■Be consistent about rules and discipline. When you make a rule, stick to it. Your child needs structure with clear expectations for his or her behavior. Setting rules and then not enforcing them is confusing and sets up your child to “see what he or she can get away with.”
■Make sure your child does not have access to guns. Guns and children can be a deadly combination. Teach your child about the dangers of firearms or other weapons if you own and use them. If you keep a gun in your home, unload it and lock it up separately from the bullets. Don’t carry a gun or a weapon. If you do, this tells your child that using guns solves problems.
■Try to keep your child from seeing violence in the home or community. Violence in the home can be frightening and harmful to children. A child who has seen violence at home does not always become violent, but he or she may be more likely to try to resolve conflicts with violence.
■Try to keep your child from seeing too much violence in the media. Watching a lot of violence on television, in the movies and in video games can lead children to behave aggressively. As a parent, you can control the amount of violence your child sees in the media by limiting television viewing and previewing games, movies, etc., before allowing access to them by your child.
■Help your child stand up against violence. Support your child in standing up against violence. Teach him or her to respond with calm but firm words when others insult, threaten or hit another person. Help your child understand that it takes more courage and leadership to resist violence than to go along with it.
■American Academy of Pediatrics
■American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
■Coalition for Children
■Committee for Children
■Families and Work Institute
■National Resource Center for Safe Schools
■National School Safety Center
■U.S. Department of Education
Add comment October 9, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Internet Things Your Child Should Never Know
October is National Cyber Safety Awareness Month.
It is a perfect time to review some great tips for parents, teens, kids, small business owners and everyone. The Internet today is our new information highway.
It is important that we are educated on the power of the Internet as well as the pitfalls of it. The World Wide Web has been considered an educational tool, however like with many things in life; there can be a dark side.
Take the time to become aware of tips to keep you and your family safe in cyberspace.
I will be bringing tips through this month from different sources; all are targeted to helping you be more secure while online.
Here is some advice from Nurse Practitioner Schools:
Internet Things Your Child Should Never Know
Strangers online are okay. Remind them that a stranger on the internet should be treated like a stranger in real life. If ignoring them doesn’t work, they should tell a parent. Check out NetSmartz for more.
Posting a picture is okay in certain situations. Even an innocent looking picture, once it is out there, can be changed to do all sorts of damage. Encourage your child to post a picture of themselves as a favorite cartoon character as a safe and fun option.
It’s okay to chat with other children online. Because anyone can pose as anyone else on the internet, chatting and other activities still fall under the no stranger rules. If you’re child does chat, make sure you know who they are chatting to both online and in person.
What type of monitoring software you use. If they can Google it, chances are a savvy child will be able to find out how to disable it. Keep software boxes and receipts out of sight so the child cannot find out that way, either.
If they are being monitored. Children who know they are being monitored may wait until they have access to another computer to do the stuff they know they shouldn’t be doing. If you catch your child doing something you don’t approve of, talk with them instead of blowing up at them.
Your passwords. Because adults often use the same passwords for different sites, telling your child even one password can open the door to them accessing every online account you have. If you have a family account on a site such as Flickr, have the whole family come up with a password together.
More advice and tips will be coming soon. Don’t miss this month of Cyber Safety Awareness. Keep in mind, an educated parent is a prepared parent which leads to safer children.
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Add comment October 3, 2009
Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: National Tween Girl Summit 2009
The first ever Tween Girl Summit brought to you by AK Tweens and AllyKatzz.com.
On October 10, 2009, hundreds of tween girls ages 9 to 14 from across the nation, as well as parents, experts, politicians and celebrities, will descend upon the historic Capital Hilton Hotel in Washington DC for the First Ever National Tween Girl Summit.
At the Summit, girls will talk about their passions, challenges, values, goals, heroes, dreams, fears, tween girl power, community activism and what they are going to do to change their world. We want the President and the First Lady to know that girls have heard their call for community activism and they’re ready to change the world!
Everything is here: Everything you need to know about the Tween Summit is on this site. Please check back often for updates on speakers, sponsors and celebs who will be joining us!
Summit Online: Can’t attend the Summit on October 10th? We’ll be live blogging on Allykatzz.com so everyone can be a part of The First Ever Tween Girl Summit.
The 2009 Summit Research Report: From the Tween Summit observation deck, we will obtain insights from 300 tween girls attending the event, as well as gathering data from thousands of AllyKatzz members streaming the experience online. Learn more.
The Tween Summit Agenda - PDF available.
For more information email tweensummit@allykatzz.com and visit www.tweensummit.com.
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Add comment September 30, 2009
