Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Anger Management and Your Teens

“I don’t care what you say I am doing what I want to do! I hate you and you just don’t want me to have fun!”

“All my friends are allowed to stay out late; you are mean and want to ruin my life!”

“You have no idea how I feel and you are only making it worse!”

When a difficult teen is out of control, they only can hear themselves and what they want. It is usually their way or no way! There are so many factors that can contribute to these feelings. The feelings are very real and should be addressed as soon as you see that your child is starting to run the household. Teen anger may lead to teen rage and teen violence which can soon destroy a family.

A local therapist can help your family diagnosis what is causing the negative behavior patterns. Conduct Disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is some of the many causes to this harmful and stressful behavior. Many times you will find a need for a positive and safe program either local or outside your home are that can  help determine where these hurtful outbursts are stemming from. 

As difficult as this may seem, it is important that as your teen is expressing these feeling of anger and rage, that you as the parent learn to control your emotions.  You don’t want to fuel it or feed it which can potentially enrage it. 

Here are some tips for parents to learn to help manage their stress level as their teens is spiraling out of control:

1. Take a ‘timeout.‘ Although it may seem cliché, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.
2. Get some space. Take a break from the person you’re angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.
3. Once you’re calm, express your anger. It’s healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.
4. Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you’re about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.
5. Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you’re likely to say something you’ll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you’re angry, it’s easy to get sidetracked.
6. Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.
7. Use ‘I’ statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful – and increase tension. For instance, say, “I’m upset you didn’t help with the housework this evening,” instead of, “You should have helped with the housework.”
8. Don’t hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.
9. Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don’t use sarcasm, though – it’s can hurt feelings and make things worse.
10. Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as “Take it easy.” Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.

These tips from the Mayo Clinic can also be helpful to your teens.  It could benefit you to sit down with your teens and talk about controlling rage and anger before it escalates to the boiling over point.

Be an educated parent, you will have safer and healthier teens.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff – Games You Don’t Want Your Teens Play

A very sticky topic, jelly bracelets.  Why would these harmless bracelets be dangerous?  What is going on in our society to create such disturbing games being played by our teens and tweens?

Since being an educated parent will help you to have healthier and safer teens, you need to be aware of these types of games that are being played.  In a previous article, Rainbow Parties, shocked many.  This bracelet game, Snap, is another blow to a parents mind.

Some people have may have heard about the latest fad in colleges, high schools, even middle schools! This social phenomenon involves “snapping” the bracelet off the wearer, enabling the snapper to earn a sexual favor from the snappee based on the color of the snapped off bracelet.

Here are the color associations:

• Yellow - wearer is willing to HUG
• Pink -  wearer is willing to give a hickey
• Orange - wearer is willing to KISS
• Purple - wearer is willing to kiss a partner of either sex
• Red -  wearer is willing to perform a LAP DANCE
• Green – indicates that ORAL SEX can be performed on a girl
• Clear – indicates a willingness to do “whatever the snapper wants”
• Blue - indicates ORAL SEX performed on a guy
• Black -  wearer will have regular “missionary” sex
• White -  wearer will “FLASH” what they have

Sex bracelets are a teen fad with a dangerous sexual twist. The bright colored bracelets are popular with teens, but they’re creating controversy and many children, and even adults, wear these decorative bracelets without any sexual connotation or meaning whatsoever.

Teach your children about the dangers of STD’s.  We can talk about sex to our kids, some schools offer sex education and we can even “believe” we have a very open relationship with our teens – but do you really know about these trends?  Peer pressure can be part of this dangerous game.  The more you know, the more you can help to educate your teens.

These topics are not to scare you, they are to educate you.  Your child may be wearing one of these bracelets and it has no association to this disgusting game.  It is only about you knowing that this does exist – as hard as it can be to believe.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: When Teens Hate Parents

Unfortunately many parents will hear these words when a heated debate comes up and a teenager is not allowed to have or do a specific event/item. Enduring this type of ‘tough love’ is one of the most common paths parents of struggling teens have to travel, hearing these hateful words.

Many cannot understand or grasp the concept of “not enabling” the child to ruin or run the family unit. Enduring life with a teen that is running the home can result in many uproars, conflicts, arguments, battles, and sometimes psychical and verbal abuse. Tough love is exactly that: Tough. Loving our children is unconditional, but we don’t have to like what they are doing or how they are destroying their lives.

There will come a time when a parent realizes enough is enough! This is the time that they need the support from outside sources, such as a support group, along with professional intervention. This does not reflect you as a parent, nor does it place blame on the family, it is the child that is making the bad choices and the family is suffering from it.

Many times tough love is simply letting go. Let the child make their mistakes and they will either learn from them or suffer the consequences. Unfortunately depending on the situation, it is not always feasible to wait until the last minute to intervene. If you see that tough love is not working at home, it may be time to consider residential placement (placement outside the home). Quality residential placements work with the entire family.

While in the whirlwind of confusion, frustration and stress that the child is causing, it is hard to see the actual problem or problems. With time and distance, the healing starts to occur. Tough love is a very painful and stressful avenue, however in some families, very necessary and very rewarding. Tough love if used correctly can be helpful. However if you are the type to give in at the end, all the hard work of standing your ground will be for nothing. Actually, your weakness or giving in could result in deeper and more serious problems. Please confer with professionals or outside help if you feel you are not able to follow through with what you are telling your child you will do. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help, you are certainly not alone.

Learn more about residential therapy at www.helpyourteens.com.

Be an educated parent, you will have a more peaceful home. 

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Troubled Teens and Residential Therapy

As the school begins back in session in many areas of the country, some parents experienced some difficult times with their teenagers during the holiday break.  Many of this behavior only escalated with the extended “free” time, as other parents were hoping and praying things would get better as their teen spends more time with their family.

Some families planned out of town vacations, removing the teen from the environment that they believe is causing the negative behavior.  Some parents believed that simply being home and with the festive holidays their teens will slowly come back to their childhood selves.

For those that have reached a point of seeking outside help, this can be one of the most difficult decisions a parent can make.  It will come after seeking all local resources, even trying to have  your teen live with another family member, however unfortunately, you can change environments, but it usually won’t change whatever issue is causing the negative behavior.

Let’s assume you have attempted local therapy, support groups, even out-patient therapy (some have even tried 24-72 hour in-patient) determined there is something wrong that possibly a little pill can help. However it has been my experience that in many cases, until you address the internal issues, these short-stop and/or pit-stops are usually band-aids.  This is not saying medication won’t help if your teen is appropriately diagnosed.

Now we are convinced that residential therapy is our last resort.  After getting over the sticker shock, you soon realize the confusion of the Internet.  The keen marketing, beautiful websites, and programs so far away!  You are at your wit’s end, desperate, confused and just want to get your teen help – stop, think, and do your homework!

Here are some helpful tips in searching for the right program for your teenager: Click here.

Watch video and slideshow – click here.

Don’t be a parent in denial - you could risk your teen not getting the help they need.  If you are thinking about threatening Military School to your teen, think twice.  Many parents are under the misconception Military Schools are for at-risk or troubled teens.  If your teen is extremely defiant, using drugs (even just experimenting), or simply doesn’t want to attend Military School, chances are, he won’t be.  If your teen gets expelled from a Military School, you will risk forfeiting your $20,000 to $40,000 tuition.  Remember, Military Schools are not set-up as a therapeutic setting.  They are structured, however usually do not offer the therapy or emotional growth many troubled teens may need. Learn more from our story.

Part 2 – click here. Helpful tips for finding programs to fit your needs.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teen Pregnancy Pact

Parenting years ago and having a teen get pregnant was, in many families, humiliating and shameful to the family.  Today teens are having babies and some are not considering the consequences, or maybe are considering them however don’t realize the “real life” situation rather than what they read.

January 23rd, Saturday night, Lifetime Network will premier, “The Pregnancy Pact” at 9:00pm ET.  Inspired by a true story, this movie depicts a fictional pregnancy pact between a group of teenagers.  The film explores the costs of teen pregnancy and was prompted by the news reports from June 2008.  Time Magazine ran a story about this pregnancy pact in a school where the teen pregnancies rose to 18 girls.

The discussion of birth control is started by the school nurse who tries to convince the school to provide contraception to students to address the pregnancy epidemic but is met with great opposition from the school and community.

According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teenage Pregnancy:

• Three in 10 girls in the U.S. get pregnant at least once by the age of 20.
• Six in 10 teens who have had sex say that they wish they had waited.
• Half of all pregnancies in the U.S. are unplanned – about 3 million each year.
• One out of 10 children in the United States is born to a teen mother.

Lifetime Networks is proud to partner with the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, a nonpartisan and nonprofit organization dedicated to preventing teen pregnancy and unplanned pregnancy among single, young adults.

Additional information and resources are available at www.thenationalcampaign.org.

Parenting teens is challenging today, between the technology and peer pressure, it almost seems impossible to keep up.  Teen pregnancy was an issue many years ago, and still is today.  The difference is we have much more awareness, education and information to help our teens understand the consequences as well as the dangers of unprotected sex.

Be an educated parent, you will have safer and healthier teens.  

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Teens Going Green

Today many are concerned about the earth and global warming.  Many people participate in recycling and re-using shopping bags as well as other ways to conserve energy.  Teaching our children while they are young will help them continue to preserve our environment.

Today’s teens are more wired up, plugged in, worldly and savvy than ever. Many care deeply about the threats facing our environment, and are committed to making difference. But it’s not always easy to know exactly what to do. Here are some suggestions to get started:

1. When You’re Done Surfing and IMing, Turn Your Computer Off. If you shut your machine off before bedtime, you’ll save an average of $90 worth of electricity a year – tell your parents that, and ask for a raise in your allowance! If you must leave your computer on, tell it to go into “sleep” or “hibernate” mode, which saves power. Save even more juice by unplugging your computer (or flip the switch on a surge protector) to stop the “phantom load” problem.
2. Put Together a Cool Vintage Outfit. Impress your friends with your fab style sense when you show up to a party in a vintage Betsey Johnson number (you can find gently used clothing for a steal at thrift stores and garage sales). Go glam by raiding your parents’ closet for 1970s and ’80s pants, vests and jackets.
3. Instead of Insisting on Driving, Catch the School Bus. No, it may not be as cool as driving yourself, but it is a lot safer, according to the National Academies of Science and Engineering. Buses are also much more fuel efficient than cars, saving gas and lowering emissions that cause global warming.
4. Get Involved! Most schools have environment or Earth Day clubs, so give them a chance! It’s a great way to meet nice people, and you can learn so much from your peers. Many clubs convince their schools to recycle, start a garden or hold an Earth Day fair.
5. Turn Off the Lights Behind You. Remember that riddle about the tree falling in the forest when no one is around? Well, why leave a light on when no one is around? It’s just plain waste. Your parents may even bug you about it because they have to pay the energy bills, and they know lighting accounts for an average of 11% of that total.
6. Join the “Virtual March.” Founded by eco-warrior Laurie David, Senator John McCain and Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the Stop Global Warming Virtual March is a Web-based effort to bring people together to take a stand against climate change. So far nearly 900,000 people have joined up to demand that our leaders begin reducing carbon dioxide emissions now.
7. Help Lose the Litter. Littering is a blight on our landscape that chokes wildlife and releases toxic chemicals when it breaks down. Plus it’s just plain ugly! Many neighborhoods hold regular cleanups, so volunteer! It’s an easy way to get some exercise while making a difference and meeting new people.

More suggestions –> Continue. Part two.

Source: The Daily Green, Brian Clark Howard

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Street Proofing Your Teens

As part 2 continues in educating our children on how to talk to strangers, The Parent Report offers an excellent segment on Street Proofing your Kids.  As mentioned in part one, we can tell our children not to talk to strangers, however it is almost inevitable they will.  With this, they need to be educated in how to talk to unknown people, that seem completely innocent.

Telling your children to “never talk to strangers” is only one step in keeping our children safe from sexual predators and child abductors.

As children, how many times were we told to “never talk to strangers“? And how many times have we given our own children the same message? We’ve all heard the horror stories and because of them we’re anxious to street proof our children. But Martha McArthur of the safety program, Block Parents, believes that a pat “never talk to strangers” isn’t realistic. Instead, McArthur says “it’s important to make your children aware how to interact with strangers. ‘Never talk to strangers’ just isn’t practical because we do find children who get lost and are then afraid to ask for help from a stranger.”

McArthur says we should teach our children “that there is a circle of safety, as in a safe distance when talking to strangers. For example if a stranger asks them for directions the child should take a step back, answer them and walk away. If they are afraid, they can turn in the opposite direction and walk quickly away.”

As well, it’s important to explain to our children that strangers look like normal people, not monsters. And the word stranger should be a little more defined in that a stranger is someone you don’t know very well or know at all. In other words, a stranger could be someone you’ve never met, or an acquaintance of the family who knows you by name.

People who prey on children are very good at getting the interest of a child, so many experts suggest role playing with your child how someone might approach them such as offering candy, asking for help, or if they’d like to come and meet their new puppy. Then you have the opportunity to teach your child to say a firm “no” and to walk away.

If you do role play with your child, keep it matter of fact and calm so as not to overly frighten them, because part of street proofing children is not just pointing out dangers, but teaching them confidence. “That way they’re more capable of making a good decision in a bad situation“, explains retired staff sergeant, John Andrews. “You want to be able to tell your child about some of the hazards in the world. You want to arm them with the information of things that could happen. You don’t want to scare your child. You want to ensure that they’ll do the right things. “

Andrews adds that if the worst should happen and “someone is attempting to take your child and grabs them, the child should fall to the ground and start kicking and screaming, to bite if necessary, anything it takes. The child wants to make as much noise and create as much diversion as possible so that other people in the area will want to know what is going on.”

Finally, McArthur says one of the best things we can instill in our children is trust in their own instincts. “Children have very good instinct. They should trust that feeling in their gut that tells them if something is safe or not. We describe it as that feeling in your tummy that gives you butterflies if something isn’t right.”

Source: The Parent Report and Online Degree

Be an educated parent, you will have safer children.

Did you miss part 1? <<< Go Back. (Teaching your kids to talk to strangers).

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Reading Your Teens Emails – Should you?

Recently we read about whether parents should read their child’s diary or journal.  With the advances of technology, we need to take this a step further:  Should you read their emails or text messages?

Again we can go back to “when safety trumps privacy.”

Our teens deserve to be trusted unless they give us reason to suspect something is wrong.  Is their behavior changing?  Here is a review of some warning signs (many are the same to determine if you should read their diaries).

• Is your teen becoming very secretive? Sure, teens do like their privacy, however if you have a “gut feeling” something is deeper than a secret, you may have to cross that line.
• Is your teen becoming withdrawn? Again, teens will develop some attitudes of not wanting to be with adults, however when it becomes extreme, it may be time to cross that line.
• Is your teen changing peer groups? And this is not into a better one, however to one that is less than desirable? You will again attempt to talk to your teen and find out why and what happened to the other friends.
• Is your teens eating habits changing?
• Is your teen sleeping a lot? Bloodshot eyes? Do you suspect drug use?
• Is your teen sneaking out? Becoming extremely defiant? Not respecting your boundaries?
• Are they overly protective of their cell phones or computer?
• Do they hide their cell phones? 
• Are they anxious when at their computer, seem fearful, attempt to hide their incoming emails?
• Overall, is your teen slowly becoming a child you don’t recognize?

Like with determining if you should invade their privacy with their journals or diary, unless your teen or tween gives you good reason to read their private text and emails, as parents, we should respect their privacy.

When it comes to younger children, under 10 years old, parents should always be allowed to see what they are doing.  Most younger children are usually not as protective as teens or tweens.  As a responsible parent, you will know when there are red flags or warning signs and you need to step in.

Keeping an open dialog with your tweens and teens is critical.  Letting them know you are there for them as well as talking to them about the issues of sexting, cyberbullying, predators and other areas of concern.

Should you read your child’s emails or text messages?  Only you can answer that.

Be an educated parent, you will have safer children.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Do Reform Schools Still Exist?

How many times have we heard a child, usually a troubled teen, will be sent to “reform school?”  What exactly is a reform school?  Are they still running?  Did they ever truly reform a child?

Years ago this expression of “reform school” was used as a threat and in some cases carried out by parents.  Today we have learned (or hopefully have learned) that beating a child into submission rarely changes them for the better.  This is strictly hypothetically speaking, not literally beating, however making the conditions extremely unbearable.

Programs such as “boot camps” can, in my opinion and what I have discovered, can actually build more anger and resentment within a child.  That anger and resentment can be targeted at the person that sent them there: The parent.

If you find you are having difficulties with your teenager, and have discovered it has escalated to a point where you can no longer live with it, consider options that can help your teen, not harm him/her.  After exhausting all your local resources such as school counselors, therapists, support groups, even out-patient programs, it may be time to consider residential therapy. 

I am not sure reform schools even exist anymore, but I know some people still refer to residential therapy as a reform school.  A true residential therapy program, whether it is an Emotional Growth School, Therapeutic Boarding School or Residential Treatment Center should not employ the harsh and punitive treatment we have see in movies such as Sleepers or sadly seen in the news about some boot camps and teen help programs.

Learn more about locating safe alternatives from my own experiences, A Parent’s True Story, which is also included in my book, Wit’s End! Advice and Resources for Saving Your Out-Of-Control-Teen. 

Keep in mind, Military Schools are not equipped to handle teens with behavioral issues.  They offer structure, but usually are not able to handle a teen that is escalating out of control.

Remember, don’t be a parent in denial, get your teen help if they need it.  It is a parent’s responsibility.  It is not about “shipping” a teen off – it is about giving him/her a second chance at a healthy and bright future. 

Learn from my experiences, gain from my knowledge.

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Parents Universal Resource Experts – Sue Scheff: Just say NO to Boot Camps

As my series continues for the New Year in helping educate parents about the daunting “business” of teen help programs and schools, one thing is for sure in my experiences, just say no to boot camps. 

This is a strong opinion I have had for years, for many reasons.  Many parents believe  a good wake up call will shake up their teen, what they are not considering is the anger and resentment most boot camps can instill in your teen.

Let’s face it, in many cases your teen is already filled with anger and rage, even hate – do you honestly believe that placing them in a rigid and “punitive” environment will help them?  I am not saying your child deserves a trip to Atlantis, however they need a program or school that will work on their emotional growth and find out “why” they are acting out negatively – where are these negative impulsivities coming from?

From there you can move forward and work towards recovery.  A program or school should be structured with positive discipline as well offer the nurturing environment that can stimulate your teen in a positive direction.  The end goal is to bring your family back together.

In Florida,  many if not all, boot camps have been closed down.  The death of Martin Lee Anderson in a Florida Boot Camp shocked our country with the realities of what Boot Camps can be like for teens.  Although he wasn’t a saint, he didn’t deserve the treatment that eventually ended in his death. 

If you are a parent and thinking about sending your troubled or struggling teenager to a boot camp, think twice.  Also use caution since many programs advertise as boot camps to lure you in, be an educated parent, do your homework.  You want to help  your teen, not destroy them.

Learn more about finding safe and qualified schools and programs.  Visit www.helpyourteens.com.  Parents’ Universal Resource Experts is about educating and guiding parents.  Learn from my mistakes, gain from my knowledge.

Are you at your wit’s end and need help?  Learn how to find the best placement for your teen.

Footnote: Boot Camps and Military Schools are completely different.

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