Parents’ Universal Resource Experts

Making eye contact. Not interrupting. Taking turns. If your child with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) needs help with these and other social skills, you may want to give “role-playing” a try. By testing out various personas, he can see how simple changes in what he says and does can help him get along better with friends and family members.

Role-playing works with almost any child who is old enough to talk. It’s especially good for teaching children how to deal with teasing — a problem familiar to many kids with ADHD.

Consider the case of Joe B., a nine-year-old I recently treated. Joe’s parents sought my help because he kept overreacting to playful (but sometimes hurtful) verbal banter that came his way during recess. On one such occasion, after Joe did something silly, a playmate laughed at him and called him a “turkey head.” Enraged, Joe shoved the boy and burst into tears. He looked like a crybaby.

Joe acknowledged shoving the other boy, but said to me, “He started it.” Joe felt it was the other boy who needed to change. I explained to Joe that he couldn’t always control what other people did, but that he always had a choice about how to react. “You’re the boss of yourself,” I told him.

Talking things over made Joe feel better, and I decided that role-playing might help Joe avoid future incidents. Here are the basic steps I used with Joe that you might try with your own child:

Define the problem. Talk things over until you understand the exact nature of the problem facing your child. Joe’s problem, of course, was that he felt angry and sad when kids called him names—and couldn’t stop himself from lashing out physically.
Acknowledge bad feelings. Let your child know that it’s normal to be upset by teasing. Joe’s parents and I made sure that he understood that—and that it was not OK for children to pick on him.
Discuss alternative ways to respond. Explain to your child that there are many ways to respond to teasing, some good and some not so good. Shoving the teaser was a bad choice. Joe and I explored better options, including walking away from the encounter and saying “I don’t care” over and over, until the teaser got bored. Ultimately, Joe decided he’d simply say, “Please stop it.” He said that gave him a sense of control over the situation.
Reenact the situation. Once you’ve armed your child with socially acceptable ways to respond, let him play the role of the child being teased while you play the teaser. Then switch roles, varying the “script” to explore the different ways in which the scenario could play out. You might videotape the role-playing sessions and review the tapes at a later time with your child to reinforce appropriate behavior.
Celebrate success. If your child comes home announcing that he has used the lessons learned in role-playing, congratulate him. Give him a high-five, and tell him how proud you are — even if he didn’t do everything you had practiced. This is not the time to nit-pick.
Role-playing didn’t help Joe right away. But one day, a few weeks after we began our sessions, Joe was beaming when he came into my office. Once again, a playmate had teased him, but this time Joe hadn’t struck back. “I told him I didn’t care what he thought,” Joe explained.

Over time, as we continued our sessions, Joe got even better at controlling his behavior on the playground. Other children accepted him as one of the gang, and that made him feel good about himself.

By ADDitude Magazine

Moms’ advice for parenting ADHD children, creating an ADD-friendly household and smoothing out daily rough spots

It’s the stuff attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) days are made of: You’re trying to get your daughter to finish her homework, but she insists on doing cartwheels across the living room. Or you’ve already had two big dustups with your son — and it’s only 9 a.m.

Sound familiar? Parents of ADHD children have a lot on their plates. And while doctors, therapists, and ADD coaches can offer helpful guidance, much of the best, most practical advice on parenting ADD children comes from those who have been there, done that. In other words, from other ADHD parents.

For this article, ADDitude asked members of support groups across the country (both live and online) for their tried-and-true parenting skill tips for monitoring behavior problems, disciplining and smoothing out the daily rough spots. Here’s what they said.

The morning routine

In many families, the friction starts soon after the alarm clocks sound. It’s not easy to coax a spacey, unmotivated child out of bed and into his clothes; the strategizing required to get the entire family fed and out the door on time would test the mettle of General Patton.

Getting off to a slower start can make all the difference, say parents. “We wake our son up a half-hour early,” says Toya J., of Brooklyn, New York, mother of eight-year-old Jamal. “We give him his medication, and then let him lie in our bed for a while. If we rush him, he gets overwhelmed — and so do we. Once the meds kick in, it’s much easier to get him going.”

Some parents aren’t above a little bribery. “In our house, it’s all about rewards,” says Jenny S., of New York City, mother of Jeremy, age seven. “Every time we have a good morning, I put a marble in the jar. For every five marbles, he wins a small reward.”

Amy B., of Los Angeles, mother of Jared, age seven, is another believer in reward systems. “If the TV is on, it’s impossible to get him moving. Now the TV stays off until absolutely everything is done and he’s ready to go. He moves quickly because he wants to watch that television.”

Another way to keep your morning structured and problem-free is to divide it into a series of simple, one-step tasks. “I’m the list queen,” says Debbie G., of Phoenix, mother of Zach, 10. “I put a list on his bedroom door that tells him step-by-step what he needs to do. I break his morning routine down into simple steps, like ‘BRUSH TEETH,’ ‘MAKE BED,’ ‘GET DRESSED,’ and ‘COME DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST.’ The key is to make it easy to follow.”

What about kids who simply cannot, or will not, do what’s asked of them? When 10-year-old Liam refuses to comply, his mom, Dina A., of New York City, shifts into “if-you-can’t-beat-’em,-join-’em” mode. “I can’t believe I’m admitting this,” she says, “but I wake him up and bring him cereal in bed. Once he’s gotten something to eat, he’s not as crabby.”

Behavior patterns

At first glance, a child’s misadventures may seem random. But spend a week or two playing detective, and you may see a pattern. Pay attention to the specific situations that lead to trouble and — even more important — to the times of day when trouble usually occurs.

“You may find that tantrums come at certain times of the day,” says Laura K., of San Francisco, mother of Jack, eight. “With my son, we found that it was right after the medication wore off. So we asked the doctor for a small booster dose to get us through. It’s worked wonders for cutting down on the bad behavior.”

Sometimes children simply fail to see the connection between how they behave and how they’re treated. In such cases, behavior charts are a godsend. The idea is to post a chart, specifying the behaviors you expect and the rewards the child will earn for toeing the line.

Renee L., of Northbrook, Illinois, mother of Justin, nine, explains: “Once children see that good behavior gets them privileges and bad behavior gets them nothing, they’re more likely to comply.” It helps to focus on only a few behaviors at a time.

By ADDitude Magazine

By ADDitude Magazine

Chances are, you’ve had the following chat with the doctor of your child with attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) — probably just before the holidays: “Every time Johnny eats lots of sugary foods, his symptoms of ADHD worsen, and he becomes irritable and hyper. I dread this season because Johnny turns it into unhappy days for everyone.”

Your doctor leans back in his leather chair and says, “What your child eats has nothing to do with his behavior! There is no research that supports this idea.”

Click here for the entire article.

By ADDitude Magazine

Six expert strategies for parenting ADHD children while managing a household that doesn’t alienate, ignore or persecute anyone.

 

Attention deficit disorder (ADD ADHD) can be a boon to family life, lending a spontaneity that is sometimes absent in other families. Yet most families with a child with ADHD are enmeshed in what I call the Big Struggle. This contest of wills pits child against parent, and even parent against parent. It can last for years, and the whole family suffers.

The Big Struggle starts when a child neglects chores and schoolwork, ignores family schedules, and generally fails to live up to his parents’ expectations. In response, Mom and Dad discipline - setting ever more stringent limits on his behavior, and increasingly severe penalties for failing to toe the line. You know what happens next.

The child grows angry, defiant, and alienated. He comes across as a child with a bad attitude rather than what he is: A child with a neurological problem.

In this struggle, neither the parents nor the child is entirely right or wrong. The parents feel duty-bound to “straighten out” their child - who, in turn, feels as if he is in a war for his independence. The struggle ends only when everybody works together to create an environment in which behavior patterns are allowed and encouraged to change. Each family member must be educated about ADD, and must learn to negotiate solutions and change his expectations of everyone else.

What can you, as a parent, do to start this process? Hang on to your sense of humor. Use family dinners, bedtime stories, and shared chores (like raking leaves) to foster a sense of “connectedness” within the family. Then try these steps:

• Separate the person from the problem. Kids need to know that their parents love them no matter what. Most parents realize this, but sometimes, in the heat of battle, we forget.

• Involve the whole family. Since the Big Struggle involves everyone, everyone should be involved in finding solutions. Focus on one problem at a time - homework, mornings, and so on. Brainstorm ways to correct the problem, and try each.

• Focus on the positive. Praise your child when he is “tuned in” or trying hard to address his problems. When he messes up, keep your comments constructive. For example, “Let’s set an extra alarm to help you get up on time” is more helpful than “Why can’t you ever get up on time?”

• Pay attention to the “balance of attention.” When one child has ADHD, her siblings are apt to get less parental attention - and that can lead to feelings of jealousy and resentment. Encourage all your children to voice their feelings about what is going on in the family. Celebrate each child’s accomplishments, and meet each child’s emotional needs.

• Don’t keep ADHD a secret. If your extended family knows that your child has ADD, they’ll be able to work with you to find solutions to chronic problems. There’s nothing shameful about ADD, and kids who have it are not irresponsible, lazy, or “ditzy.” Make sure everyone knows that.

• Don’t worry alone. From pediatricians to family doctors, support groups, friends, family, and teachers, line up all the support you can find. Even if all this support doesn’t solve the problem, it will make your family life more manageable.

• Schedule one-on-one time. Once a week, spend at least 20 minutes with your child. Do exactly what she wants to do (as long as it’s safe and legal). Take no phone calls, speak to no neighbors, run no errands until the 20 minutes are up. Let your child know that you’ll have this time together every week at the same time, and - barring disaster - keep your promise. Sometimes the best plan is a monthly “night out” with Mom or Dad, when you go out for pizza and bowling, or go to a fair. (If you have more than one child, you’ll need multiple nights out.)

No matter what happens, try not to feel as if the Big Struggle is anyone’s fault. It comes with the territory of ADD. The important thing is to change the family dynamics that perpetuate the struggle. It isn’t easy to do that, but it’s always worth the effort!