Parents’ Universal Resource Experts

By Connect with Kids

Like many teens, Matt has tons of friends online.  “My buddy list is full.  It over 200 people in there. And it’s just all these people that have the same interests as me that I would have never met, if I just, you know, that don’t go to my school. They’re just around the country.”

According to a recent online survey, one in four kids say their internet friendships are equally or more important than friends met in person.

“Yeah, I mean, like.  Cause of the internet, I’ve, you know, that’s where I found my social group, and I really kinda found out about myself,” agrees Matt.

But are these relationships healthy?

Experts say, on one hand, they give kids an opportunity to try out different personalities without consequence.  “Kids are struggling to find out who they are.  And who they are is in a lot of dimensions,” explains Professor of Psychology, Dr. Larry Rosen.  “Who they are personally, what their skills are, but mostly it’s who they are in a social context, and that’s why these online social worlds like MySpace, all of these kinds of social worlds helps develop their ability to interact with people, and particularly, to do things like post a comment that might be a little controversial for example, and see what kind of reactions they get.”

But, on the other hand, Rosen says, like most things in life moderation is key. 

“Because being in the virtual world, being in front of a screen all day is not sufficient for good teenage socialization.  You need to have a combination of a screen life, and a real life,” he explains.  “And so a good parent will make some sort of boundaries that say okay, you can have screen time, but after a certain amount of screen time you have to have some real outdoor time.  Or some real communication time.  And you can’t talk on the phone, it has to be face to face.  You have to come talk to me, you have to go outside and hang out with some friends – you have to do something that’s in the real world.”

Tips for Parents

Most adults have an Internet-usage history that dates back no more than ten to fifteen years. But those growing up since the emergence of the Internet potentially could have their entire lives documented online. New parents can post online baby books for under $15 annually. Images once stored on a bookshelf at Grandma’s house can be available to the world without password protection. With Bunk1, the same can be said for memories of summer camp.

It is increasingly common for teens to have their own website. Many of these sites have a “blog”, where the owner can post running thoughts on a daily basis. Although some sites, like MySpace.com and LiveJournal.com, require users to be registered, membership is free and easy to obtain. If your child has a blog, encourage them to protect their blog so that can be read only by the friends and family they approve. Consider the following …

• Only 10 percent of families posting their baby’s photos have the site protected with a password.
• Many employers and colleges will enter a prospective applicant’s name in an Internet search engine to research their web presence.
• Remind your child that not only friends and strangers, but also his or her parents, will be reading the blog.
• Regularly monitor your child’s blog and immediately discuss any uncomfortable or inappropriate posts with your child.

It is very important to discuss various aspects of safety with your child, including the Internet and availability of information. Cite modern advances that have changed the world within the child’s lifetime and memory. Explain to your child that while your embarrassing photos and writings might be stored in a closet, an attic or even at Grandma’s home, the electronic versions your child might have will be much more accessible to anyone interested. Also, keep the following in mind:

• If you do opt to post family photos online, be sure to place the images on a secure, password-protected site.
• Search for names on an Internet search engine with your child to show him/her the possible places his/her information could be found.
• Show your child how far e-mails, especially jokes and chain messages, can travel.
• Monitor your child’s web usage and posts. An online diary usually does not have the same rights to privacy as a bound, handwritten journal because the online version is accessible to members of the public outside your home.
• Know what posts, if any, you are able to delete from your child’s blog.

References

• A Parent’s Guide to Internet Safety
• Pew Internet and American Life Project
• Kids Help Phone

By Connect with Kids www.connectwithkids.com

High school students have always spread gossip in the halls, on the walls and on the phone.  Now, it’s on the Internet, too.  On various message boards specific to communities around the country, kids write about whom they hate, whom they think is pregnant or has an STD and record other often hurtful rumors that may or may not be true.

Sixteen-year-old Jessica remembers once when some kids at her school wrote cruel things about her on the Web.

“They were just making fun of me,” she says.  “You know, she’s really ugly, she’s this, she’s that, ba-ba-ba.”

Jessica’s 11-year-old sister, Emma, admits she’s used the Web to write nasty things about another girl, though she regrets it now. 

“After a while, you’re like, how could I have been so mean?  Like, why did I do that?” she says. 

The other girl’s father eventually became so frustrated with what Emma had said that he came to her door and demanded her mother make her stop.

Experts say gossip on the Internet can be more harmful than the old-fashioned kind.  It’s often anonymous because kids use fake screen names.  It has the power of the written word, so it lasts longer and is taken more seriously.  And, unlikely ugly words on the bathroom wall, there’s no way to scratch it out. 

“Online gossip is to hearsay gossip probably what nukes are to dynamite,” says Dr. Ramah Commanday, a school psychologist.  “It can get EXTREMELY raunchy.”

If your kids are victims of online gossip, Dr. Commanday suggests putting the gossip into perspective.

“Point out to them how what’s being said on the screen differs from what everyone knows about you as a person,” Dr. Commanday says.

You can also try what worked for Emma:  Keep your kids off the offensive website! 

“When she was using it all the time, her name was on there all the time.  People were writing things about her,” explains Patti Thrift, Emma’s mother.  “Since she has no longer had access to that, she’s no longer a topic of conversation.”

Experts say that any time your child is on the Internet, you should know what he or she is doing there.  Online gossip is just another reason why.

Tips for Parents

Most of us remember passing notes during class or swapping stories over lunch with our friends in middle and high school.  But with more teens accessing the Internet these days, it appears that gossip has gone high-tech.  Teens are using message boards, instant messaging and even email to air out their frustrations – often in hurtful language – about their teachers and peers.

According to an Internet Report from the UCLA Center for Communication Policy, 97% of kids aged 12 to 18 access the Internet on a regular basis.  What they’re doing on the Internet, however, may be surprising.  The U.S. Department of Justice reports that approximately one in every 17 kids is threatened or harassed while using the Internet.  In fact, most don’t tell their parents or other adults, and if they do, the adults often don’t know how to stop the online teasing.

Gossiping, whether it’s in the halls or on a message board, more often than not leads to hurt feelings.  According to the Nemours Foundation, if teens spend enough time gossiping and passing on stories they don’t know are true, eventually no one will believe anything they say, even when it is the truth.  Teens who gossip shouldn’t expect to be trusted ever again.  Once friends learn that a peer can’t resist spreading secrets around, they won’t tell him or her anything personal.  And if a teen gossips about personal or important issues, he or she could even end up in trouble at school and at home.  Teachers don’t appreciate students who make it tough for other students to learn, and parents won’t be happy to hear that their child is causing trouble in school.

If you’ve heard your teen taking teasing and gossiping to a hurtful level, it’s time to remedy the situation.  The experts at Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota offer the following advice for curbing your teen’s gossiping and teasing:

• Cultivate your teen’s compassion.  Talk to him or her about feelings – how emotional blows can hurt as much as physical ones.  “You wouldn’t throw a rock at that boy, would you?  So you shouldn’t call him a ‘zit-face’ either.”
• Give your teen a simple test he or she can use to judge if his or her teasing is playful or hurtful:  “How would I feel if someone said this about me?”
• Talk to your teen about the when and where of playful teasing.  He or she shouldn’t always resort to sarcasm or jokes at someone else’s expense in order to get a laugh.
• Examine your own behavior and that of other family members.  Do you rib your children at length, even after they plead with you to stop?  Do you tease inappropriately, that is, about the way people look or the habits they have?  Are you confusing razzing with teaching and discipline – for instance, do you communicate your frustration about your teen’s messy room by calling him “Mr. Slob”?  Make sure that your own teasing (and that of everyone else in your household) is good-natured, not aggressive or manipulative.

As a parent, it is also important to regulate how your teen uses the Internet.  If you know what your teen is doing while online, you can better prevent him or her from visiting message boards where the temptation to gossip exists.  The Media Awareness Network suggests considering the following questions concerning how your teen surfs the Net:

Are you involved in your teen’s online activities?  Do you know what he or she is doing and whom your teen is talking to when he or she is on the Internet?
Does your family have a set of rules or an agreement for appropriate Internet use?
Do you make Internet use a family activity by guiding your teen to good sites and teaching him or her how to do safe, effective searches?
Have you taught your teen not to believe everything he or she reads online and to check online information with an adult or with another source?
If your teen has her or his own website, have you checked to make sure it doesn’t contain harmful or hurtful information?
Have you talked to your teen about responsible online behavior?  Does he or she understand that making threats or harassing others online can be considered illegal activities?

References

• Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Minnesota
• Media Awareness Network
• Nemours Foundation
• UCLA Center for Communication Policy
• U.S. Department of Justice

By Connect with Kids

Three seconds. According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, that’s all the time it takes for a driver to take their eyes off the road and get into a car accident.  And now, with more kids than ever texting on their cell phones while they’re driving… how many more crashes will there be? How many more kids will get hurt? 

Richard Tatum was sending his girlfriend a text message, just like he does throughout the day. The problem was, this time he was driving while he was texting.

He crossed the median and collided head-on with a cement truck.

“I don’t even remember hitting the truck because I was looking down at my phone when I hit it,” says Richard, 18.

Richard’s car was totaled: he barely survived.

“It crushed my pelvis and hip and my knee.  I tore two ligaments and chipped a piece of my knee cap off.”

According to a recent AAA Auto Club survey, 46 percent of teens admit to text messaging while driving. That’s up from 13 percent just two years ago.

“You just look down to text, look up to drive, look down to text. It’s not hard to do so everybody does it,” says Richard.

Two states, Washington and New Jersey, have made driving while texting illegal.  Sixteen more are trying to pass similar legislation.  

And it’s not just texting that’s dangerous; simply talking on the phone while driving greatly impairs your ability. Research from the University of Utah shows that driving while talking on the cell phone is equivalent to a .08 blood alcohol level. In most states, if your blood alcohol level is greater than .08 you are considered intoxicated.

Experts say that parents should make it clear: teens can use their cell phone or the car, but not both at the same time.

 “With teens, you have to send the message that you cannot do this while you are driving, and if I find out you are doing it, then you are not going to be driving,” says Ted Waldbart, general manager, Safe America Foundation.

As for Richard, he’s now walking and even driving again, but he will never be the same.

“He now has the hip of a 47-year-old because of the cartilage damage and everything.  And he is going to have arthritis, and he’s just not going to be able to do the things that he could do before,” says Richard’s mother, Linda Tatum.

“I don’t text when I drive anymore; it’s not worth breaking my good hip,” Richard says with a laugh.

Tips for Parents

The Federal government estimates that 30 percent of car accidents are due to driving distractions. To help keep your teen safe while they are in the car, Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) and Liberty Mutual Insurance Group recommend these guidelines for teaching teens about driving distractions.

• Know and enforce your state’s Graduated Driver License laws and restrictions, including unsupervised driving, time of day and passengers in the car.
• Sign a teen driving contract (many are available online, including SADD’s Contract for Life.
• Set family driving rules with clear consequences for breaking the rules. SADD recommends rules such as:
  • No alcohol or drug use
  • No cell phone use, including text messaging
  • Limit distractions — eating, changing CDs, handling iPods or other activities while driving
  • Limit or restrict friends in the car without an adult
• Be a role model. Your teen will follow your driving example, so be sure you are keeping your own rules.
• If you receive an important call or must make a call, pull off the road. Do not drive while calling or texting.
• Let your voicemail take the call. You can call back later when you are not driving.
• Know when to stop talking. If the conversation is long, emotional or stressful continue it when you are not driving.
• Do not take notes while driving. If you don’t want to forget a note, use a take recorder or pull off the road.
• Do not eat or drink while driving.
• Groom yourself at home, not in the vehicle.

References

• Students Against Destructive Decisions (SADD) & Liberty Mutual Insurance Group Chicago Arts Partnerships in Education (CAPE)
• Safe America Foundation
• Road and Travel

Here’s a recipe for trouble: start with a teenager’s impulsive brain, add in a little peer pressure, a video camera and the Internet, and the results are violent assaults, dangerous crashes, and outrageous stunts – all captured on video and posted online. 

On one website, there are videos of kids crashing while rollerblading … skiing while tied to a car … shooting fireworks at a friend.

“I saw this video of two friends, where one guy put himself in a garbage can and his friend pushed him down the street, and then it was going and going, and then bam! he just hit the door,” says Donte, 15.

In other news, eight Florida teens were arrested recently for beating up another teen. How did the police catch them? The teens posted the video of the assault online.

Because of the popularity of video-sharing sites such as YouTube, experts say that each week, kids try even more dangerous stunts to gain their 15 minutes of fame.

“It’s one-upmanship almost,” says Harold W. Phipps, computer forensics expert. “They say, ‘Well, he jumped off a 10-foot ladder … I’m going to do him one better. I’m going to jump off a 15-foot ladder.’  And then it will be a 20-foot and then a 30-foot [ladder].”

“They could say, ‘I jumped off my roof.’  And if someone doesn’t believe them, they could say, ‘Well, go check my Myspace.  I have a video,’” says Derek, 15.

Experts say parents should explain that stunts are not just dangerous — they may also have life-long consequences.

“You could do something stupid and then say, ‘I’m going to erase it.’  But you have to realize that [the video] could have been reproduced by hundreds if not thousands of people who have seen it,” says Phipps.

“It could have all sorts of effects, like when you are trying to go to college, if they see that you are an arsonist, they might not accept you,” says David, 15.

“It never goes away.  It’s a permanent record of your stupidity,” says Griff, 17.

Tips for Parents

Harold W. Phipps, computer forensics expert, The Norcross Group, offers these tips:

• Make sure your kids never use their real name or address when posting material on the Internet. Avoid posting any information that would allow a stranger to locate your child. This includes the name of a school or sports team or the city where you live.
• Take your child’s level of maturity into account when deciding whether he or she can handle a video camera or web cam.
• Make sure kids understand that videos they post on the Internet may damage their reputation. Often kids assume only their friends will view these videos. Explain that teachers, college admissions departments, police departments and prospective employers all scout the Internet to learn more about a person’s character

Additional tips for parents:

• Realize that kids who post videos or profiles on the Internet are more likely to be contacted by a sexual predator. Report any unwanted or inappropriate messages to law enforcement. (Joe Rosen, former FBI Agent)

• If kids do want to post videos online, suggest they do something that would help others see them in a positive light. Have kids exercise their creativity. For example, write, film and video-edit a skit. (Melanie Mitchell, director, iD Tech Camps, Emory location)

References

• iD Tech Camps
• Joe Rosen, former FBI Agent
• Harold W. Phipps, computer forensics expert, The Norcross Group

For many American teenagers, one of the ways to be unpopular in high school is to be an “A” student. In fact, in some schools, doing your homework every day, studying hard and getting good grades has a controversial label. Some call it, “acting white.”
Lindsay, 15, knows the pressure to be cool. “If you’re really smart, they might think of you as a nerd or something,” she says.
Will they say you’re a nerd, a dork, a bookworm …or acting white?
“If you dress too proper, with your shirt tucked in and stuff, they’ll probably say you act too white,” says 20-year-old Diijon Dacosta.
Researchers at Vanderbilt University surveyed 166 middle and high school students from both the inner city and the suburbs. The students said that “acting white” often meant “getting good grades, joining clubs, being a leader.”

Students also talked about “acting black.”

“That would include … not studying, not doing homework, not joining various honor societies or other school projects. I think it is all part of that identity,” says Don Rice, Ph.D., psychologist.

He says that one problem is the culture doesn’t celebrate African Americans who are well educated or well spoken.
 
“Very seldom does one think of a black kid as being smart or geeky in that sense, and they’re not getting the messages through television, they’re not getting the messages through movies,” says Rice.

Rice adds that the media help set expectations in a child’s mind, and low expectations can lead to low performance.
 
“They don’t really see the opportunities, they don’t see how sitting down and learning algebra can lead to something that would be a better life,” explains Rice.

“It’s easier to just say forget about it and forget your school work than it is to actually go through with the whole process and do good in school,” says Omyrie, 16.

Still, experts say that inside all children, there is a desire to learn and achieve.

“It’s a matter of finding what it is these kids want out of life and to show them how to get it,” says Rice.

Tips for Parents

• “Children can’t achieve unless we raise their expectations and turn off the television sets, and eradicate the slander that says a black youth with a book is ‘acting white.’” (Sen. Barack Obama)
• “Education starts at home. Teach your children the benefits of a good education — have them visit college campuses, talk to professionals in your neighborhood, and get involved in clubs and activities at school.” (Don Rice, Ph.D., professor of psychology)
• “It’s not measures of popularity or social success that predict achievement in college or the business world, but academic achievement itself that is the best predictor.” (Marla Shapiro, licensed psychologist)
• “Part of the achievement gap, particularly for gifted black students, is due to the poor image these students have of themselves as learners,” says Donna Ford, professor of special education and Betts Chair of Education and Human Development at Vanderbilt University’s Peabody College, and author of the study on “acting white and acting black.”  “Our research shows that prevention and intervention programs that focus on improving students’ achievement ethic and self-image are essential to closing the achievement gap.”

References

• Fryer and Torelli, National Bureau of Economic Research: An Empirical Analysis of “Acting White’”
• The Century Foundation: Equality and Education
• Vanderbilt University’s News Network